


Aroma

by invisiblehabits



Category: Alice Nine, Jrock
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-27
Updated: 2010-03-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 02:19:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisiblehabits/pseuds/invisiblehabits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It didn’t smell like him anymore.</p><p>He pressed the garment to his face and inhaled deeply, tears that would no longer fall burning behind his eyes. It had been his one solace in this place but now it was gone. And he couldn’t even cry about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 01

It didn’t smell like him anymore.

He pressed the garment to his face and inhaled deeply, tears that would no longer fall burning behind his eyes. It had been his one solace in this place but now it was gone. And he couldn’t even cry about it.

\- - -

It all started the day Shou dragged him down to the art museum, claiming that gay men had to stick together and that meant Tora had no choice but tag along now that an openly gay boy had been given the chance to show his work publicly. He had grunted and complained of course. For one thing, he had never been into the gay community thing as Shou was and also because art museums tended to bore him half to death. However, he was pleasantly surprised to the photos taken by the so far unknown artist.

“You regret coming?” Shou asked and offered him another glass of whatever cheap champagne they were serving.

“Not really,” Tora admitted and took a sip of the liquid. At least it wasn’t pink. That just would’ve taken the cake. “He’s quite good.”

“Yeah, he is. I’ll introduce you if you want.”

That was something the taller had not expected and he turned his attention from the picture of happily playing kids to his old friend. “You know him, the photographer?”

“Yeah, we grew up on the same street,” Shou explained and began leading him through the crowd. “I came out early on, so when Hiroto realized he liked men he…sort of turned to me for advice. We’ve kept in contact through the years, even though he’s several years younger.”

“How much younger?” Tora wanted to know, but before he got an answer Shou was waving his hand to catch somebody’s attention and called out aforementioned name.

Once again diverting his attention, his dark eyes landed on a very petite frame who more or less bounced towards them over the floor. Bleached, though not quite blonde, hair in an unruly fluffy mess and casual clothes passed by in an instant. What he really focused on was pouty lips and huge eyes. The kid—Hiroto, he assumed—was young indeed, but damn if Tora could remember ever having seen someone quite so hot in all their innocence. If he’d been a more flamboyant gay than he was he would’ve said it was love at first sight. As it was, he’d settle for instant attraction on his part. Because fuck yes, he wanted that boy!

“Shou, long time no see!” the kid said cheerfully and Tora was instantly shocked by how deep his voice was. “What do you think of the exhibition?”

“Hiroto!” Shou crowed happily and hugged the younger man. “I love it. You made a fantastic job honey.”

Tora had to smile at how ridiculously gay the other always sounded. They had met in high school, the two of them, and fuck if he knew why they had become friends. Shou had been as utterly flamboyant back then as he was today, whereas Tora could pass for straight any day as long as he kept away from the blonde. But supposedly it had something to do with the fact that he was no way near straight and however it had first started, the friendship they shared had grown strong over the years.

“Forgetting your manners, aren’t you Shou?” he all but purred, efficiently drawing all attention back to himself.

Shou recognized the tone of his voice, like Tora’d known he would, and merely rolled his eyes. “Hiroto, this is Tora; a friend from high school. Tora, this is Hiroto; a childhood friend of mine and the man of the hour. Happy?”

“I will be once you get me another drink.”

His eyes never left the huge orbs that had turn to look at him, a mixture of insecurity and curiosity visible in them. He left little doubt as to his sexuality with that stare and he could only hope that it wouldn’t scare the other away. Tora was a nice guy, he really was, but there was a sting of something dangerous in him that he had never been able to fully identify himself. Since he didn’t know what it was he couldn’t seem to get rid of it, thus he had learnt to live with it, not to mention use it to his advantage, instead.

Shou left, supposedly to get them more drinks, and the two newly introduced found themselves alone. The room around them was buzzing, but they never broke their stare.

“So,” Hiroto finally said. “You like the exhibition, Tora?”

An icebreaker. “I do. It’s not normally my thing, coming here, but I’m glad Shou persuaded me. You’re very talented with your camera.”

The younger blushed slightly at the compliment. “Thank you. I couldn’t quite believe my luck when they offered me the chance to display my photos here. It’s not really a place for…”

“Gay men?”

“Yeah…”

He smiled, a comforting smile rather than the grin he normally sported, a small peak to the man hidden behind a sometimes too rough exterior. “You deserve it, Hiroto. I’m glad someone recognized talent and saw beyond sexuality, for once.”

It clearly made Hiroto happy to hear and his smile was enough to make Tora feel an unusual tingle in his belly. He knew he looked good and had never had trouble getting laid, but it’d been quite some time since he felt true attraction towards someone. Sober attraction, at least. Most people looked amazing when you had alcohol flowing through your veins.

They chatted a bit more, went outside for a smoke, and became acquainted before Hiroto had to go off and talk to other people. No phone numbers were exchanged, they didn’t make plans to meet again, but somehow they both knew this was not the last time they would see each other. A spark had been ignited in both of them, and it was something worth exploring further.

\- - -

Several weeks went by until they saw each other again, that time by pure chance. Tora was standing behind his desk at the bank where he worked, desperately wishing they were allowed chairs or barstools or something to sit on while dealing with clients, but at the front desk it was a standing policy. Pressing a button he changed numbers on the display board, calling the next client to his station. A surprised gasp caught his attention and he raised his eyes from the computer screen he’d been preparing.

“Hiroto!” he said, a surprised tone audible in his own voice as well.

“I didn’t know you work here,” the younger said, regaining his composure a little.

“I do, studied economics and somehow ended up here.” He shrugged, it wasn’t exactly what he’d imagined himself to be doing while in school but it was a job. “How can I help you? Cause I assume you’re here for banking errands and not to meet my lovely persona.”

Hiroto smiled, a much cockier expression than Tora would’ve thought him capable of. “As enjoyable as your company was last time, I am here in banking errands yes. I want to start an account, because… well, apparently more people were interested in buying my pictures than I thought, so suddenly I have something that could be considered savings.”

“Lucky you,” he said with an askew smile. “So you want an ordinary savings account then, let them collect interest and grow slowly? Or would you prefer investing them in something, like stocks, for example?”

The younger frowned badly. “Nah, then I’d have to keep track of them and stuff, wouldn’t I? Just get me something simple.”

“A saving account it is,” Tora laughed.

All it took were some quick clicks on his computer and some basic information from Hiroto, like his surname which Tora conveniently filed away at the back of his memory, and the younger was in possession of a brand new account. Tora had to admit he was a bit impressed by the amount of money Hiroto immediately transferred from his regular account. Who knew you could make that much from something most people would consider a hobby?

“There you go,” he said as he handed back the copy of the papers Hiroto had signed to close the deal. “You’re all set.”

“Thanks for your help, Tora,” Hiroto said with a smile. “I appreciate it.”

“Just doing my job.”

“Well, it’s been a long time since I enjoyed going to the bank as much.”

With a small bow and a final smile the younger turned his back and headed for the exit. Tora followed him with his eyes, pretending to be doing something on his computer to prolong the time until he needed to call his next client. Just as Hiroto reached the door he turned around, looked over his shoulder rather, and their eyes met. The younger smiled and…winked. Tora grinned wide and didn’t return his attention to his work until the door fell shut behind the smaller man.

\- - -

Later that night Tora was sitting on his couch, feet casually resting on the low table in front of him and coffee mug in one hand. In the other he was slowly spinning the cordless phone, contemplating whether or not to actually go through with what his inner voice was telling him to do. It would be unethical, he could probably lose his job over it if his bosses found out. But still, that wink…

“Ogata Hiroto,” was the answer he got approximately fifteen seconds later.

“Hello Hiroto,” he said, using much the same voice he’d done the first night they met.

There was a slight pause. “Tora, is that you?”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind.”

“How did you… Oh, that’s right, I gave you my number…”

For a second Tora felt insecure, not something he was familiar with at all. Still, it’d been a chance from his side. If Hiroto took offence now all he could hope for was that the younger man wouldn’t report him back to his superiors. Should that happen, he would be in deep shit.

“Like I said, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, no. I’m glad you called!”

A smirk found its way back onto the older’s lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, I like making new friends, and since we both know Shou, it makes sense that we’d get to know each other, don’t you think?”

“I agree.” Friendship was a start and he honestly wouldn’t mind getting to know Hiroto for real. “So, do you want to do something tomorrow night?”

“Tomorrow is Friday, right?” Tora hummed in confirmation. “Sure, I’m free. Got anything in mind?”

“How about drinks?”

He could almost hear the smile in the other’s voice. “That sounds like a date…”

“Maybe it is.” He took a drink from his coffee, wishing he’d spiked it with something or could exchange it for a drink altogether.

“Alright, but you’re paying.”

“Says the one who just showed me his fortune.” Not that he minded, of course, and he made sure the joke was audible in how he said it.

“But you called me…”

So the kid had a spine, he liked that. “Alright, drinks are on me. You pick the place.”

Hiroto laughed, a sound Tora instantly decided he wanted to hear many times more. “Dangerous offer. What if I picked the most expensive place in town?”

“I work at a bank. Guess I’ll have to take out a loan.”

Another adorable laughter, one that Tora joined this time. He doubted Hiroto would pick the most expensive place in town. He seemed far too nice to do such a thing to the man who had just offered to take him out for drinks.

“Alright then, pick me up at…eight? Or is that too early?”

“Eight sounds fine.”

“Good, did you get my address as well or did you only memorize my phone number?”

“I got it. See you tomorrow Hiroto.”

“See you then. And Tora…thanks.”

They hung up and Tora found himself staring out into the room, a huge grin on his face. He had a feeling he was starting to get infatuated and, uncharacteristically enough, he liked it.

\- - -

They ended up going to a rock bar, a place Tora had heard of but never visited himself. Not exactly the ideal hangout for a gay couple, but definitely a spot he preferred over anything Shou would’ve picked. The younger looked stunning in casual clothing of a rockish style, hair styled just enough and with a tad bit of makeup on that you wouldn’t notice unless you studied him closely. Needless to say, Tora had been studying him closely all night.

Conversation flowed easily and drinks were sparse, neither wishing to get too drunk. They learned both of them played guitar, music being the reason Hiroto had visited this place before. Tora told Hiroto about his childhood and how his family had pretty much cut off contact with him when he came out as gay, and Hiroto repaid the favor by recapturing his own insecurities during his teenage years and explaining how much of a support Shou had been at the time. Furthermore he told the older about how he got into photography and Tora explained how he had picked economics simply because he didn’t dare gamble his entire future on music.

“Did you ever regret it?” Hiroto wanted to know.

“Many times,” Tora confessed and put his empty glass down. “I wonder what it’s like being on stage in front of a roaring crowd, thousands of people responding to every note you play…”

“I’m glad you picked economics though.”

The older arched an eyebrow. “How so?”

“If you’d become a musician you most likely would’ve been too busy to come to my vernissage and then I never would’ve met you.” He smiled and finished his own drink. “You would’ve been another face decorating my walls back home, someone I dreamt of in loneliness instead of sharing drinks with on a Friday night.”

It wasn’t hard to pick the compliments from those sentences, not with the way huge brown eyes were staring into his intensely. “I’m pretty glad I let Shou drag me down there too.”

“Why’s that?”

The younger was fishing and they both knew it, but Tora decided to give him what he wanted. “It would’ve been a pity had I not met the artist.”

For a little while a comfortable silence lingered over the table. Or they didn’t speak, since it was hard to get silence at a somewhat crowded rock bar. They just sat there and looked at each other, both lost in their own thoughts for a moment and never breaking eye contact. Finally Hiroto got a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and gestured towards the door.

“Want to go out for a smoke?”

“It’s getting rather late,” Tora pointed out. “You want to get going or linger till closure and cue for our jackets?”

Hiroto glanced at his wristwatch and whistled low. “Good point. Let’s get them before we smoke.”

A few minutes later, they were walking down the street, nicotine burning away between their fingers and leisurely being sucked into lungs at an even pace. The night was slightly chilly, but not as bad as it’d been earlier in the week. Hiroto lived not too far from the bar and more or less subconsciously that was where they headed. In fact, the younger looked almost shocked as he realized they were standing outside his doorway.

“Thanks for getting my phone number off that sheet of paper,” he said and looked up at the taller man. “I had a great evening.”

“Me too,” Tora agreed and almost hesitantly reached out to push a coil of hair out of the other’s face.

As soon as his fingertips touched the slightly tanned skin Hiroto tilted his head towards it. Instead of briefly brushing the skin, Tora ended up cupping a soft cheek. Hiroto carefully took a hold of Tora’s dark coat and gently pulled him along as he took a step backwards, just enough for him to reach the stairs and get up onto the first step. Suddenly the height difference wasn’t so alarming anymore.

Another soft tug on his clothes and Tora leaned forward, meeting the ample lips that sought his halfway. It was a slow and gentle kiss, mostly lips molding together softly with a few swipes of tongues over lips here and there. His eyes slipped shut almost upon first contact and he wrapped his free arm around Hiroto’s slender waist, stepping closer himself rather than pulling the smaller body towards him and risk dragging the other off the stairs.

When they pulled apart his breathing had changed rather significantly. “Is this where I should be the gentleman and say goodnight?”

Hiroto giggled. “I think this is where you should be the rock star and take what you want…”

_God, this man is too good to be true._ The thought crossed Tora mind as he pulled the younger in for another kiss, a more heated one this time. For a second he wanted to lift Hiroto off the ground altogether, a feat he doubted would be too hard, but since he had no idea where the other kept his keys it would cause more trouble than anything else. He settled for pressing their bodies closer together, having already decided to do exactly as Hiroto had suggested.

Tearing his lips away again, Hiroto reluctantly pried himself from the other’s hold and lead the way. Up the stairs and through a corridor until they stood before the door holding his name. Tora couldn’t contain himself but leaned over the smaller body and kissed Hiroto’s slender neck, licked at it and even bit teasingly.

“Easy tiger,” Hiroto laughed breathily as he fumbled with the keys. “There…”

Opening the door he let Tora enter first and followed close behind. They got out of shoes and jackets, then stopped and stared at each other for approximately three seconds before Tora pushed the smaller man up against the wall. The way Hiroto immediately parted his lips for him left little question as to how eager he was about what was undoubtedly happening. The smaller man wrapped his arms around Tora’s shoulders and pushed up against him, responding to the fever of lips, tongue and teeth the older put into the kiss.

He tipped his head back as Tora moved on to his neck, kissing and nibbling the spot below his ear and searching the pulse point with his tongue. However, without the aiding step the height difference was troublesome.

“How about we take this to the bedroom,” he suggested, biting down roughly on the skin beneath his lips.

Hiroto let out a breathy chuckle. “I’ll show you the way if you let go of me…”

Grinning he followed the order and taking his hand Hiroto walked through the apartment. Tora didn’t really notice anything about it; not the pictures littering the walls or the guitar standing in the corner, not the fact that it was a three-roomer or that the kitchen had a French balcony door facing east. These were all things he would become very familiar with later, but right then his only focus was the smaller man walking two steps ahead of him.

As soon as they reached the bedroom, at the opposite end of the apartment from the door counting, Hiroto let go of his hand and pulled the shirt over his head. Without looking at the older man he climbed onto the western styled bed and flopped down on his back. Biting his lip around a grin, he beckoned Tora with a single finger.

“Come on, tiger.”

Tora made quick business of the buttons in his shirt, tossing the garment to the floor before crawling over the small body. Leaning down he was greeted with heated skin against his own and a pair of plump lips reaching up to catch his. Slender arms wrapped around his neck this time as Hiroto spread his legs to make room for his newfound lover to settle between them. Meanwhile, Tora tried to balance his weight on his forearms, placed on either side of the bleached haired head, so as to not squish the other man entirely. There were ups and downs with being his size.

They kissed for a long time, just kissed and let hands wander as they wanted to. There was no real rush, but the intensity was incredible for such a slow kiss. The only word Tora could think to put on it, as he finally moved on to kiss a trail down that delicious neck, was passionate. He found that pulse point at last and sucked on it, leaving behind a nice little mark that would be hard to cover up.

Hiroto gasped and arched into him, fingers wrapping in his hair and tugging. Tora smirked against the skin and went lower, ghosted over collarbones and pecks until he could swirl his tongue around a rosy nipple. In his youth he’d been with women, but nothing in their softness could ever compare to the sharp angles and salty tastes of a male body. He loved closing his lips around a tiny nub of nerves and feel muscles play beneath his lips instead of an unnecessary lump of tissue and glands.

“Ngh, Tora…” Hiroto moaned breathily, scrapping blunt nails over his scalp. “Fuck that feels good…”

“You sound good,” he responded hoarsely and let a hand flutter over abs. Not letting his lips and tongue leave the chest before him he looked up at the other. “And you’re absolutely gorgeous right now.”

The younger chuckled again, eyes closed and head pressed down into the pillows. He really was gorgeous—small and delicate like a female but with a distinctly male body and an Adam’s apple protruding from his bent neck that left no doubt as to his masculinity. Nor did the bulge in his pants, which was where Tora’s large hand found a rest. He rubbed the other man, squeezed him gently and felt the throbbing heat against his palm. It made him moan against the skin beneath his lips.

Hiroto was a panting mess, gasping and cursing under his breath as he gripped at hair and sheets. “Please Tora, I’ve had enough of this teasing…”

As much as he would’ve liked to drag it out further, Tora had to agree. Unbuttoning the younger’s jeans he pushed them down, bringing black boxers with him in the process, and exposed the leaking hard-on to the chill of the room. Hiroto all but whimpered as slightly calloused fingers wrapped around him fully to slowly stroke him. Tora regretfully pushed himself up to a sitting position to undo his own pants as well.

Giving up futile attempts he took his hands off of Hiroto entirely, just long enough to pull both their remaining clothes off. The younger stopped him just as he was about to lean down however, in favour of reaching into the nightstand and retrieve two very vital objects.

“Get a move on,” he pleaded. “I’m dying here…”

“Don’t you dare,” Tora grinned and kissed him lightly as he took the lube and condoms. “I prefer to get response when I fuck someone.”

Pushing the other back down on the bed he quickly put on a condom and slicked himself up, then his fingers. It had never really been an issue to him. The whole protection part that seem to trouble others so much. Why was it a mood breaker to be careful and make sure both you and the person you were with stayed safe?

Leaning down, he caught willing lips in a heated kiss and simultaneously pushed a digit into Hiroto’s entrance. The younger moaned and pushed back onto his finger, urging him to keep going. So he did, thrust that one digit in and out as they kissed heatedly and soon added a second one. He took his time, ignoring the painful throb between his own legs, as he scissored his fingers, curled them, added a third and went deeper; continuously searching for that spot as he loosened muscles to make room for himself. Foreplay could be a drag, but it could be pretty damn hot too if you knew what you were doing and allowed it to take time.

His patience was rewarded when Hiroto gasped and arched off the bed, pushing back down to get more friction right there and whimpered out his name. It was all Tora could take and retracting his fingers he rolled on top of the other, lining his aching member with that heated entrance and pushing in almost immediately.

“Fu-fuck!” he stuttered as heat closed down around every inch of him.

Hiroto moaned throatily, a sound so erotic with his deep voice, and wrapped his short legs around Tora’s hips to pull him deeper still. Tora was hot and huge inside of him and the way his body weighed down on his own caused his entire being to tingle and burn.

“Move,” he begged. “Please, I need you to move…”

And Tora did, he pulled back and snapped his hips forward again, drawing similar moans from both of them. They tried to go slow—wanted to—but with both of them worked up to their max, it was little they had to stop themselves from picking up the pace. Sloppy open-mouthed kisses and tugging hands mixed with pants and gasps, moans, groans and the sound of sweat slicked skin slapping together as they tried to make it last. But they knew it would be over soon, and it was okay because both of them also knew it would happen again.

Tora angled his hips just right and hit Hiroto’s prostate dead on, making the younger tear his lips away and cry out loudly. He raked his blunt nails down the older’s back and felt heat coiling in the pit of his stomach. But he didn’t feel the need to give any warning, so he just reached down to touch himself and get that last inch needed to fall off the cliff. Tora beat him to it though, once again wrapping calloused fingers around his heated flesh and with a few tugs Hiroto was drowning in bright white bliss.

He cried out Tora’s name as he came between their bodies, coating them in sticky heat and clenching down around the other as he did. Tora followed him out of pure sensorial overload; the site of Hiroto’s face contorting in pleasure combining with his cries of pleasure and the immense friction all but trapping his own erection within the smaller body. It was one of the best orgasms he could ever remember having had and he tossed his head back as he thrust a few more times, milking himself dry, before falling apart on top of the other.

They laid there, Tora sprawled out on top of Hiroto and trying not to crush the smaller man but too spent to move, as they tried to catch their breaths. The younger drew lazy pattern on the body on top of his and Tora buried his nose against the slender neck, inhaling deeply and enjoying their mingled scents.

When he finally moved it was only because Hiroto was starting to squirm beneath him. “You’re heavy,” he complained jokingly.

So Tora pulled out and got off the bed, stopping momentarily to kiss the younger as he grabbed his arm questioningly. “Where’s the bathroom?” he asked and received a relieved smile.

“Just across the hall.”

Nodding, Tora followed the directions. Discarding the condom and cleaning himself up a bit, he grabbed some extra washcloths and returned to the bedroom as quickly as he could. Hiroto smiled at him tiredly as he cleaned the sticky mess from the other’s body. Then he pulled him into his arms as he laid back down. They didn’t speak. There was no need for words. Perhaps there was no energy either. Hiroto just snuggled up closer to Tora’s larger form, seemingly the perfect fit for the older’s embrace, and fell asleep.

Tora watched him for a minute or two, tried to identify the emotions swirling in his chest. It was too early to be love. He was mature enough to realize that, but it was definitely more than ordinary attraction. Shrugging it off; three a.m. was probably a bad time to ponder such things anyway; he hugged the small frame closer to his own body and inhaled his addictive scent one more time. Two minutes later, he’d fallen asleep.


	2. 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh you are the worst liar ever, Shou!” There was a knock on the door. “That’s Tora, I’ve got to go. _You_ need to tell Mr. What’s-his-name that you’ve been having wet dreams about him since the first time you met.”

Tora loved the way Hiroto’s eyes lit up and a big smile broke out on his lips as Tora himself exited the bank, throwing his jacket on as he walked. “Sorry I’m late,” he said and leaned down to gently kiss the other. “I had a rather…troublesome customer.”

“Another old lady?” Hiroto giggled as they began to walk briskly down the street, remembering the taller’s livid speech on that clientele group down to the syllable.

“Nope, an eighteen-year-old brat who just got access to his inherited fortune. Son of a bitch thought he knew more about investing money than I do!”

Hiroto bit his lip hard not to burst out laughing at the offended tone of Tora’s voice. Over the past three weeks since their first date, he’d gotten very familiar with the taller’s quirks, including possessiveness and a rather unique sense of pride. The first one had been evident as he woke up after their first night together, sticky with sweat and with a sated feeling still lingering in his body. Tora had still been asleep, but when Hiroto tried to move, the strong arms around his waist had tightened, as if daring him to try and sneak away.

He hadn’t, of course. They were at his place so there wasn’t really anywhere he could’ve gone off to anyway. Instead he’d snuggled up closer to the strong chest and sort of snoozed for half an hour more until Tora started stirring and waking up as well. Three weeks later that morning scenario had repeated itself no less than fourteen times, in both their apartments.

“Do you still get an hour lunch or do you have to be back by two?”

Tora grimaced badly. “I have to be back by two, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Hiroto laughed. “It’s not your fault the brat wouldn’t shut up. Besides, you’re coming over tonight, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am, don’t know what I’d do alone on a Friday night anymore.”

What had started as a chance meeting had definitely turned into a budding relationship. Everything felt a little bit too good to be true, but Hiroto was not one to think in such ways. Yes, it was quite amazing to think that someone as gorgeous as Tora would actually fall in love with him. He was younger –five whole years, they had discovered– and no way near as mature as his new boyfriend. And though he was often told he was the epitome of innocent cuteness, Hiroto had simply never found his own looks all that appealing. Not like he found his mirror image ugly or anything. It was just…there were more beautiful men out there. Like Tora, for instance.

“Where do you want to go?” the older asked. “I’ll pay since I was late.”

They tried to each lunch together as often as they could. It was a nice way to meet up and it was also a lot more fun not to have to eat alone. Normally, they would each pay separately or they’d take turns and pay every other time. But today Tora figured that since their time spent together would be cut short, he’d treat his new boyfriend.

“I want fried noodles,” Hiroto replied. “For some reason I’ve been craving them all day!”

Tora laughed and wrapped his arm around the short man. “Alright then. I know a pretty good place two blocks away.”

\- - -

_“So everything is going well between you and Tora?”_

“Yeah, he’s coming over tonight.”

Shou’s melodic laughter filtered through the phone line. _“Do the two of you ever spend a night apart?”_

But he was happy for his friends. Hiroto could tell. And he was happy too, Not only because he had found someone he truly cared about and who seemed to truly care about him, but since the night where Shou introduced him to Tora for the first time, the two childhood friends had intensified their contact as well.

“Oh shut it!” he laughed. “We do spend time apart. What is this about, you jealous?”

There was a semi-offended snort. _“No thank you, you can keep the tiger all to yourself.”_

“I intend too, thank you very much.” Hiroto smiled fondly at the thought of the tall dark beauty. It really was strange to think that Tora was his to keep. “What about yourself, are you even going to introduce me to that hottie you’ve been talking about for as long as I can remember?”

Shou huffed rather than snorted this time. It was a sound landing somewhere in between offended and embarrassed. _“I have not spoken of him since forever! It’s been like…a year or something.”_

“And that’s not bad enough?” Hiroto laughed. “You took that class together and have met up with him regularly ever since. Have you _ever_ hinted on the fact that you’re interested in him?”

_“Yes! Well…no…maybe.”_

“Oh you are the worst liar ever, Shou!” There was a knock on the door. “That’s Tora, I’ve got to go. _You_ need to tell Mr. What’s-his-name that you’ve been having wet dreams about him since the first time you met.”

_“I have not!”_ There was a slight pause. _“Okay, so I have, but that’s not the point. And his name is Saga!”_

“Alright, then tell Saga that you want him to fuck you up against the wall already!” Hiroto laughed at yet another huff. “Take care, Shou. Good night.”

Ending the call, he carelessly dropped the phone into the couch as he bounced over to the door. Tora had his hand raised to knock a second time, still not comfortable with just walking in on his own, as the door swung open.

“I was starting to think you weren’t at home,” he said and entered.

Dropping a workout bag he took off his shoes and jacket. He’d been to the gym just before coming over and assumed he didn’t smell like strawberries and rose petals at the moment. To spare Hiroto a little bit he merely gave the other man a peck in greeting, which was still enough to have the shorter wrinkle his nose slightly.

“No, I was on the phone with Shou. And you really need a shower.”

Tora chuckled in understanding. He’d been friends with the other blonde long enough to know his inability to end phone calls. “I was hoping you’d join me,” he confessed in regards to the shower comment. “Which is why I didn’t shower at the gym.”

“You just have an unhealthy obsession with shower sex, that’s all,” Hiroto countered.

Not that he objected to the idea of course. Ever since their first shower together, enjoyed once Tora had finally woken up that very first morning, Hiroto found it utterly boring to shower alone. It didn’t matter if they had sex or not, he just liked standing under the warm spray together and feel hands other hand his own massage shampoo into his hair or lather his body up with soap. It was a matter of being close and intimate rather than sexual. At least to him.

“Will you join me?” Tora was already on his way to the bathroom, pulling the sweatshirt over his head.

Hiroto rolled his eyes. “Go wash that smell off your body. I’ll be with you in a moment.”

\- - -

Spring had definitely arrived. The mornings were still chilly and it was not wise to leave home without a jacket, but on sunny days like today it was wonderful to sit outdoors. The fact that it was a Saturday and that both of them were free to do whatever they wanted the entire day didn’t exactly decrease the feeling that life was good.

It was currently 11am and Hiroto sighed happily as he let warm sunshine wash over his face. Tora studied him closely while sipping his coffee, preferring the bitter taste over tea any day. The younger man looked so happy and content right then. Hair brushed back to let the sun bathe over him, camera hung somewhat carelessly over the back of his chair and a few crumbles from the croissant he’d just enjoyed still visible at the corner of his mouth. It all made Tora smile fondly.

But something was missing, or so the itch in his veins told him. Putting the coffee down he reached into his jacket pocket, the garment having been discarded onto a different chair in the warmth, and retrieved a package of cigarettes. Hiroto peaked an eye open at the sound of the flickering lighter.

“You would make an awesome rock star you know,” he said and quickly went for his own cigarettes, the two of them disagreeing sharply as far as brands went.

Tora almost choked on the smoke as he laughed shortly. “How so?”

“You look too freaking hot wearing sunglasses and smoking.”

The older grinned wide. To this day it amused him that Hiroto found him so hot, yet still the younger never seemed uncomfortable around him. He liked it, though. Too often people were almost intimidated by his looks and his size. Not to mention when they got to know him a little bit and realized that the darkness didn’t stop at the hair.

“Does it ever bother you?” he asked.

“What, that you’re hot enough for every woman and half the men at this coffee shop to want you?” Hiroto retorted and took a long drag at his cigarette.

Tora grinned, the feline expression that had pleasant chills run down Hiroto’s back. “No, I’ve come to understand that you like the fact that I’m hot. I was referring to…”

“Your ‘thing’?” Hiroto supplied. It was what he called the dark tinge within his lover. He was as unable as Tora himself to identify what it was, but where others had apparently been intimidated by it he just found it incredibly hot. “Not in the slightest. I like it, whatever it is.”

Silence lingered for a little while, a comfortable one where they drank their coffee and finished their smokes. Hiroto went back to sunbathing and listening to the music of the city, whereas Tora’s eyes never left the younger’s face.

“I love you.”

Hiroto’s eyes snapped open and he turned to look at the other. “What…?”

“I love you.”

He sounded so sure, so confident in his statement. Slowly he took off his sunglasses and Hiroto found himself all but drowning in intense pools of brown. He could see it there, the emotions Tora had just put words too. It shouldn’t come as such a shock, should it? After all, he’d already said it himself. But that was just it – he’d said it and Tora hadn’t said it back.

“You…” He swallowed hard –suddenly his mouth felt incredibly dry– and tried to gather his thoughts. It was that look that threw him off; the look on Tora’s face and in Tora’s eyes. “Why now?”

Hiroto hoped it didn’t sound like he rejected the confession, because that was most certainly not the case. It had merely…caught him off guard.

“I just realized it,” Tora simply said. “I should’ve said it a long time ago, but…I just realized it just now. I love you, Hiroto.”

Finally a huge grin broke out on the younger’s face. Before Tora knew what he was doing he’d reached down beside him and snapped a photo using only one hand and not even looking through the lens. Somehow he knew it would be a marvelous picture. One of those capture the moment ones Hiroto was so good at.

“I love you too,” the younger said and leaned across the table. “I have for a while.”

“I know. I’m sorry I-“

“Shut up.” Hiroto cut him off, still with that almost childish grin on his face. “You waited until you felt it. That makes it more real than anything else.”

Reaching out he tugged at Tora’s neck, asked him to lean over and close the distance between them. He was all too happy to comply. They kissed, out in public and not caring what the people around them thought. They were in love. They had every bit as much right to kiss as any of the heterosexual couples around them.

“I think this is the best morning I’ve ever had,” Hiroto said as they pulled apart.

“Why’s that?” Tora asked and absentmindedly brushed a few crumbles from the other’s cheek.

“I’m just so…happy. You make me happy.” He sighed contently. “More coffee?”

Tora chuckled. “Just like that?”

“Just like that.” Another childish grin. “Love is part of life, right? Life goes on even after a confession such as this. It’s just a little bit better than it was before.”

How could he not love this man? “I’d like some more coffee. Just don’t add any sugar to it.”

“Black coffee, coming up.”

Taking the cups Hiroto stood up and took a few steps away from the table. Then he seemed to change his mind and walked back, leaned down and pressed another quick kiss to Tora’s lips.

“I love you,” he whispered and bounced off.

\- - -

It had already been half a year. Tora had no idea how it happened, but all of a sudden he found himself six months into a relationship with a five years younger man. He wasn’t normally the kind to have steady boyfriends. It’d happened of course, but not very often. And with six months Hiroto was closing in on the record held by a crazy crush in college. That guy, a music major who called himself Kei, had lasted seven and a half months. The only reason it ended was because Kei graduated, but they’d never been in touch since.

That relationship, as good as it had been and as much as it had stung for Kei to simply slip out of his life like that, was nothing compared to what he shared with Hiroto now. Perhaps it was the fact that he was older and, hopefully, more mature. Maybe the almost blonde was simply special. The only thing Tora knew was that six months later he had never, not for a single day, regretted making that phone call. Through arguments, and there had been arguments, and fits of hysterical laughter he had come to realize that this went deeper than anything he had ever experienced before.

“That dinner what just…delicious!” Hiroto groaned and snuggled up closer to the warm body on the couch. “Where did you learn to cook like that?”

Tora snorted and smiled somewhat bitterly. “My mum was…is…a chef. We used to cook together a lot when I was a kid.”

“I never knew that.” The younger looked up at his lover. “You don’t talk a lot about them – your family.”

“Not much to say. They wanted nothing to do with me after I came out. Talking about them won’t change that matter. It just…”

“Hurts?”

Tora nodded slowly. “Something like that. Most of all it makes me angry. Or perhaps upset is a better word. I just never got it… why it was such big a deal.” He squeezed the small body slightly. “But it’s all in the past, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“You up for dessert?” Hiroto asked in an attempt to switch subjects. He didn’t really feel like talking about things he knew brought Tora’s mood down tonight. Besides, since Tora had offered to cook for them tonight he had promised to fix something for dessert. Six months required some kind of celebration after all.

“As long as it has got nothing to do with chocolate,” the older responded with a smile. It was not that he disliked chocolate really, merely that he wasn’t sure he could stomach anything heavy at the moment.

“Nope, no chocolate,” Hiroto promised and got up from the couch. “Meet me in the bedroom in ten minutes.”

Tora arched a brow in question, perhaps even a bit of confusion, but nodded and remained where he was as the younger disappeared into the kitchen. It wasn’t hard killing off ten minutes in front of the television, especially not when you still had a glass of wine to finish. Still, hearing Hiroto as he moved back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom had him awfully curious.

When he finally did transfer himself to the bedroom he was met by a sight that had to be called beautiful. Hiroto was sitting on the bed, stark naked and surrounded by plates of various delicious looking fruits. All electric lights had been turned off and instead the room was illuminated solely by a vast amount of candles.

“I figured I’d be part of the dessert,” he said with a soft smile.

“You’re beautiful,” Tora said in honest admiration, enjoying the slight blush that crept onto his lover’s cheeks. Undressing slowly, figuring the setting demanded nudity on his behalf as well, he carefully crawled up onto the bed. There were strawberries, cherries, pineapple, mango, passion fruit, oranges already pealed and ready to be consumed. He honestly had no idea how Hiroto had had time to do all this, let alone hide it from him the entire day.

“You look pleased.”

“I am. This is… It looks great Hiroto.”

The younger almost blushed again at the sheer tone of voice Tora used. It was obvious the other appreciated his efforts, which included both selecting fruit of top class as well as arranging it in a way that suited his own aesthetic eye. He had no idea if Tora realized the second part, but he did know that altogether it looked good and that that was something his lover could see.

“I’m glad you like it,” he said and watched as the older treated himself to a strawberry. He’d deliberately picked fruit as dessert since he knew Tora was not much for sweets or cakes or candy.

Tora picked up a cherry next, but instead of eating it himself he fed it to the smaller man. “It’s perfect.”

Hiroto wrapped his lips around the offered berry. And made sure to get a good lick at the fingers holding it as well. Tora was almost too sexy to be true fully clothed, undressed he was a sight for the gods alone. Six months later the younger man was still amazed he’d managed to tie down someone like him.

“What are you thinking about?” Tora asked and bit down on a piece of pineapple.

“How lucky I am to have you,” Hiroto responded and expertly cleaned the inside of a passion fruit cut in half. “You’re just…” He laughed shortly. “I don’t even know what you are. Too good to be true? And still you’re here, with me.”

Moving a plate of orange pieces Tora laid down on his side, propped up on one elbow, and met the other’s intense eyes. “I’m here because I want to be here. Because I love you.”

It was something he’d come to realize over the past months. Hiroto had a hard time understanding that someone could love him. He was a very social person, very social, but apparently he hadn’t experienced much love in his life. Not like what they shared now. And sometimes it scared him. Mostly because he was afraid it would all be torn away again.

“Come here,” Tora purred when he didn’t get a response.

Hiroto complied, quite happily so, and moved a few plates so he could more easily cuddle up next to the other’s strong body. Tora’s skin was paler than his own, a gaijin trait he’d been told. Tora had American blood in his veins. But he liked it, liked everything about the taller stronger man. He made Hiroto feel safe and cared for, loved.

“You need to stop questioning yourself so much,” Tora continued as he moved a few more plates, almost absentmindedly enjoying some of the delicious fruit as he did so.

“I know,” Hiroto replied with a slight scowl. “I’m trying.”

The older grinned. “Well try harder.”

Rolling onto his back he effortlessly, well almost at least, lifted the smaller body to sit on top of him. Hiroto yelped at the sudden action, but it turned into a ringing laughter almost immediately. Leaning down he kissed his lover, let his hands trail over his body. No, there was no need to doubt this. Tora loved him. He loved Tora. That was the only thing that mattered at the moment. Well, that and the fact that they still had some celebrating of their six months together left to do.

\- - -

_“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”_

Tora held the phone away from his head and rubbed his ear slightly. He needed to relearn to check the caller-id before actually answering his phone and adjust the volume according to who was on the other end.

“That ringing in my ear better disappear or you’re in deep shit, Shou.”

_“Oh forget about your ears! I need to see you, now!”_

Tora sighed and checked the time. Whether it was pure luck or good planning on the blonde’s behalf he had no idea, but he got off work ten minutes later. He was fairly certain he did not want to hear whatever it was Shou desperately needed to talk about but he was a good friend and would listen either way.

That was why he twenty minutes later got off the train and walked the two blocks to Shou’s apartment. It was a nervous wreck that opened the door, hair all over the place and in mismatching clothes. For a second he reminded Tora of their high school days when Shou would look more or less exactly like that after wild party nights.

“What happened to you?” he asked and tried to suppress the grin. It broke out full force, of course, but at least he’d tried.

Shou looked down at himself and groaned. “I got laid.”

Somehow that was not the answer he’d expected. Mostly because, well, then this pretty much was a repetition of their high school years. “You got laid and regenerated back to your nervous high school wreck days?”

“Oh shut up!” Shou pulled him inside and slammed the door shut behind them. “This is serious. I don’t know what to do Tora!”

“I don’t even know who the guy is. I didn’t even know you were looking for someone! Why call me?”

“Because you know me! And because…” Shou hesitated and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “God, I can’t believe I’m about to say this,” he mumbled. “You’re the coolest guy I know. Everything you do just comes out right!”

To be honest, Tora was rather surprised to hear the blonde speak such words as well. It wasn’t like he needed an ego boost. But more so, he had no idea Shou actually viewed him like that. It had him curious though, in a slightly mischievous way, as to who this guy Shou had bedded was.

“So you want this to be more than a one time thing, I take it?” he asked as he got out of his shoes.

“Yes! Of course I do!” Shou exclaimed and threw his hands up in the air. “For god’s sake I’ve been yearning after him for more than a year!”

Tora paused in his attempt to hang his jacket and stared at his old friend. “You’ve been after the same guy for a year and never told me about him?”

The blush that crept onto the other’s cheeks was more than enough confirmation. Mumbling something about making coffee, Shou disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Tora to the task of hanging his jacket and following. Wordlessly, he also offered the other the chance to get out, an old agreement between the two that had rarely been used. They were friends, but if something was more than the other wanted to deal with at the moment it was fine.

But Tora was not about to walk out now. Moments later he entered the kitchen and took a seat at the table, waiting for Shou to set tea and coffee to a boil before he spoke up.

“So, who is this guy?”

“His name is Saga,” Shou said in a low love struck voice. “I met him when I took that university class, remember? The one in musical history?”

Tora nodded. “That’s got to be almost two years ago by now.”

“Well, a year and a half. Maybe a year and eight months. Someting like that.” Shou took a deep breath. “We teamed up for the first assignment and found out we made a good team, so we stuck together for the rest of the class.”

“Is he gay?” Tora asked as the other made a pause in his speech. He also got up and fetched them their drinks, almost as familiar with Shou’s kitchen as his own.

“He’s bisexual,” Shou replied and wrapped his long fingers around the heated cup. “Took me a while to figure out, whereas he had me pinpointed from day one.”

“Honey, you couldn’t pass for straight if your life depended on it.” Shou was the only one Tora ever really used pet names for. Aside from Hiroto, of course, but that was a different matter. “You’re telling me it took you eighteen months to figure out if the guy was into men or not?”

“No, no, no.” Shou sighed. “I don’t even remember how we came to speak of it, sexuality I mean, but he told me shortly after the class ended. We stayed friends ever since, have met up regularly for coffee and so on. I just…never really dared to…”

“Tell him you wanted him to fuck you?”

There was a fruit basket filled with apples standing on the table and Tora barely had time to catch the fruit aimed at his head. His attempt to not burst out laughing was futile, especially with the way Shou pouted in indignation.

“I honestly don’t know if it’s you rubbing off on Hiroto or him rubbing off on you,” he mumbled. “He said more or less the same thing.”

That information was filed away for later use. Tora was definitely going to question his lover about this later on. “But now he has fucked you, so what is the problem?”

“The problem is that I was drunk and I don’t know if it was a mistake or not!”

“So talk to him.”

“And say that?!”

Tora rubbed his ear again and felt the beginning itch of nicotine craving tingle in his fingers. “Honestly Shou, you need to stop shrieking like a fucking girl. Just tell him you are in love with him.”

“Am I? Am I really in love with him?”

The coffee cup stopped halfway to Tora’s mouth and he arched an eyebrow. “You’ve been friends with this guy for eighteen months and wanted him for just as long. I think it’s pretty safe to say you are in love with him, yes.”

Shou groaned again and hid his face in his hands. “And what if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

“At least you’ll know, right?”

A hum was all he got for a reply at first. “Were you this nervous when you first contacted Hiroto?” Shou finally asked.

“I could’ve lost my job over what I did,” Tora replied and finished his coffee, itch continuously growing worse. “But I couldn’t get him out of my head and look at us now. You’ve wanted this Saga for long enough, he’s proven he wants you too by fucking you. Don’t lose your spark now. Call him. I assume you’ve got his number.”

Shou nodded and Tora grinned. “Perfect,” he continued. “Then you call him while I step outside for a smoke.”

Big bright eyes looked up at him as he stood. There was a lot of gratitude shining in them and Tora smiled; smiled, not grinned, at his friend. He would go out onto the balcony for a smoke. If Shou was still on the phone and sounded happy when he got back he’d slip out unnoticed. If not, he’d stick around and comfort a broken heart as best he could.

Patting his friend comfortingly on the shoulder, he went back to the hallway to get his cigarettes from the pocket of his jacket. The last thing he heard before closing the balcony door behind him was Shou’s voice as he apparently got a reply on the other end of the phone line. Tora smiled to himself and lit up his cigarette, happily inhaling nicotine deep into his lungs and feeling the itch settle back once more.


	3. 03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow they had ended up in the bathroom and they’d declined to open the door to other guests, so to say.

The sun was shining brightly down upon the outdoor restaurant. They were hard to come by in central Tokyo, but if you knew where to look and had that little bit of extra to spend there were some real jewels hidden in the city. Hiroto was practically bouncing in his seat as he kept looking around. 

“Calm down,” Tora laughed and stubbed his cigarette in the ashtray. “They’ll be here. You twisting your neck back and forth won’t speed it up.” 

“Aren’t you excited?” the younger asked astonished. “I mean, he’s been talking about this guy forever!” 

“To you maybe. I only heard about him a few weeks ago.” 

The phone call Tora had insisted Shou make had gone beyond well. As it turned out this mystery man, Saga, was just as interested in Shou as Shou was in him. Needless to say they’d gone from friends to lovers in no time. The side effect was that their common friend had been more or less completely absent for three weeks, cooped up somewhere doing what lovebirds do best. 

“Hiroto! Tora!” 

Both of them turned towards the staircase leading up to the restaurant from the street below. Shou was positively glowing in the sunlight, dressed for success and fabulous in that flamboyant way only he ever pulled off. But neither of them was looking at him, because two steps behind Shou walked a true vision.

Saga, or so they had to presume, was absolutely stunning. With sunglasses pushed up on what perhaps should’ve been a too big nose and dressed in dark tight fitted clothes he was the epitome of beauty. Dark, but obviously dyed, hair hung down around his smooth face and he looked at the same time confident and oddly shy. 

“Hey, quit staring,” Shou laughed and pulled out chairs for the two of them. 

“If you intend to date this man you better get used to it,” Hiroto said bluntly. 

That comment caused the newcomer to laugh softly. “It’s fine Shou. Perhaps you should introduce us?” 

Shou shook his head and rolled his eyes dramatically. “Darling, this is Hiroto and this is his boyfriend Tora.” 

Both of them smiled, Hiroto childishly overjoyed as he waved his hand and Tora more coolly as he bowed his head slightly. 

“As I thought,” Saga said took of his sunglasses, revealing dark intelligent eyes. “You described them very well, Shou. It’s nice to meet both of you. My name is Sakamoto Takashi, but everyone calls me Saga.” 

“Nice to meet you too, Saga,” Tora said. 

A waitress came by and took their orders; a light lunch and drinks. Saga picked up a pack of cigarettes and asked if anyone minded, which of course was declined and the action copied by both Tora and Hiroto. 

“Watch out Shou. You just might end up joining us in our vice,” Hiroto joked. 

“No way!” he exclaimed. “If anything I intend to make him quit.” 

“You’ve been working on that one since we first met,” Saga smiled. “What makes you think you’ll manage now?” 

“Because now I can refuse to sleep with you if you don’t.” 

“As if!” three people echoed. 

All four of them looked at each other and burst out laughing hysterically; Hiroto and Shou a bit more so than Tora and Saga. It was quite clear who wore the pants in the new relationship and Shou had wanted Saga since the first time be saw him. There was no way he could deny the dark haired man anything in bed. It was unlikely anyone ever refused Saga anything when it came to sex. 

“So,” Hiroto said once they’d all calmed down and their drinks had arrived. “Are you a musician, Saga, since you met at a class on musical history?” 

“No,” Saga shook his head and put his beer down. “It’s just an interest, a hobby or whatever you want to call it. I’m a lawyer.” 

Shou beamed with pride and Tora nodded, impressed. “Tough job, especially for one of us.” 

But Saga just shrugged. “I can pass for straight whenever it is needed, though I try to avoid it and stay true to myself. I’m good at what I do. That’s the only thing that counts in the courtroom.” 

Hiroto sighed sweetly. “I think I’m falling in love.” 

“Hey!” Tora stated with a grin and Shou slapped the younger at the back of his head. 

“You stick to your banker,” he said and possessively moved his chair closer to Saga’s. 

“Don’t worry,” Hiroto said and beamed up at Tora with so much love in his eyes it was impossible for anyone to ignore. “I have no plans of letting him go.” 

Their food arrived and they spoke about this and that while eating. It was nice, Saga fitted into the group nicely and conversation flowed flawlessly. A lot was, of course, centered around Shou and Saga and how they liked being lovers instead of friends, but they all shared stories and thoughts on pretty much every subject thinkable. 

“How long have the two of you been dating?” Saga finally asked. “It might be a stupid question, but Shou has been talking about both of you since I first met him and I’m not sure if you were lovers from the start or not.” 

“It’s not a stupid question,” Hiroto said with a smile. “Our first anniversary is coming up in two weeks.” 

“Wow, that’s right,” Tora said with something akin to a chuckle. “I didn’t realize it’s been that long.” 

The two of them looked at each other, soft smiles and even softer eyes. Saga and Shou shared a secret smile of their own. The more established couple looked awfully cute together. Shou was happy they’d accepted Saga right away and Saga – he felt like he’d definitely made two new friends this day. 

\- - - 

Hiroto fisted his hands in the sheets, sweat glistening on his skin as Tora thrust into him steadily. He’d long ago given up on holding back his moans, not caring if the neighbors heard them. It felt so good. Better than with anyone else he’d ever been with. 

“Tora… Ngh… Right there, Tora…” 

He needn’t say it, a year later Tora knew exactly how to angle his hips to make the younger fall apart at the seams. But he was purposefully avoiding that spot, choosing to let his cock graze Hiroto’s prostate with every stroke but never hitting it dead on. He wanted this to last – wanted to torture his lover in the sweetest of ways. 

“Please, Tora.” Hiroto wrapped his small legs around the older’s hips and tried to change the angle himself. “Please…” 

“You want this?” Tora panted, slightly winded himself, and angled a single thrust just right. 

Hiroto tossed his head back as best he could and cried out shortly as white hot bliss shot up his spine. It wasn’t enough, not nearly enough to get him off and merely left his body trembling in unfulfilled pleasure and desire. 

“Tora, for fuck’s sake…” he was all out pleading. “This is torture…” 

“That’s the plan.” Tora leaned down and connected their lips in a short kiss. “You know you love it.” 

It was true, of course. Hiroto did love the sweet torture that coursed through his body. Loved how Tora knew exactly where to touch and how to thrust. How he could find sensitive spots on Hiroto’s body that he wasn’t even aware of himself. 

“Please, Tora, please!” 

No matter how he pleaded Tora just smiled and kept his game up for quite a while longer. Hiroto even tried to play games of his own, clenching his muscles and aiming for spots he knew Tora liked to have touched, caressed or bitten. But tonight Tora was in absolute control and it wasn’t until he felt himself closing in on his limits that he began to truly give Hiroto what he wanted. 

“Yes!” the younger cried out as he felt the angle change. “Oh fuck, yes, yes, yes!” 

Tora was amazed at how beautiful Hiroto looked just then. Or perhaps even more so of his ability to recognize that beauty when he himself was so caught in the moment. Then again, his entire being was focused on Hiroto in that moment. How the younger looked, how he felt, how he smelled. God Tora loved how he smelled. 

Burying his nose in Hiroto’s damp neck, he made sure to get the most of that scent as he aimed his final thrusts carefully. “Come for me baby,” he begged. 

There was little Hiroto could do but comply. He couldn’t have held back had he wanted to, but the fact was that he wanted nothing more than to come. So he did. He came hard and didn’t even lament the fact that he couldn’t keep his eyes open as he did so. Tora could see him and that was the most important thing. 

He gasped as Hiroto arched into his touch and lifted his head just in time to see the beautiful features screw up in pleasure. If that was not the most erotic sight ever… It was easily enough to make him come, but he held back just a moment more to allow Hiroto time enough to regain enough sense to open his eyes. He knew Hiroto liked to see him climax as much as he liked to look at the younger. 

As soon as deep brown eyes met his own he closed them and let go. Most of the time they used protection still, but tonight Hiroto had asked to go without and Tora had complied without any fuss. Somehow it was more intimate to go bareback, but it was safer with protection so they saved these times for special occasions. A one year anniversary was definitely a special occasion. 

Hiroto moaned as Tora released an absolutely predatory sound and came deep inside him. It was warm, intense, and so real he almost wanted to come all over again. He couldn’t of course, but he could keep dreaming. 

They remained entangled in each other for several long moments, enjoying the afterglow and each other’s presence alike. Finally, Tora pulled out and rolled to the side. Hiroto more or less instinctively followed the movement, curling up close to his lover and wrapping his small arms around the strong chest. 

“Has it really been a year since we did this the first time?” he asked with a content sigh. 

“Yeah,” Tora breathed. “On the first date.” 

Hiroto chuckled at that. “It feels like it was only yesterday. Yet, at the same time, I feel like I’ve known you forever.” 

“I know what you mean. And I agree.” 

The younger remained quiet for so long Tora almost thought he’d fallen asleep. It wasn’t unusual for Hiroto to pass out after sex. He was the kind of person who indulged himself fully in everything he did, be it photographing or intimate encounters. Sex tended to leave him drained to the point where he simply couldn’t stay awake, a trait Tora found most adorable and one he thought had occurred now. But suddenly the younger spoke up again. 

“Tora… I’ve been thinking about something.” 

“Okay.” He waited for a continuation but none came. “What is it, Hiroto?” 

“You still manage my bank accounts and so on,” the younger began. “There’s quite a bit of money in there now, isn’t it?” 

Tora nodded. “Considering it’s only been a year I’d say you’ve saved up an impressive sum, yes. Why? What are you thinking about?” 

“I was…” It was hard to tell whether Hiroto was nervous or just tired. But due to the constant worrying of the lower lip Tora would go for the first. “I was thinking of asking you if… If you’d want to use that money and…well…” 

“What is it, Pon?” He deliberately used the nickname reserved for private situations such as this one. “Just tell me what’s on your mind, okay?” 

Hiroto propped himself up on one elbow and gazed down at his lover. “I wanted to ask you if you’d like to move in with me. And I was thinking we could use my savings to get a bigger place. If you’d like to, that is.” 

Definitely nerves and worry, as understandable as unnecessary. Tora smiled and pulled the other down for a chaste kiss, licking the bitten lip in a soothing manner without trying to deepen anything. The gesture was meant to calm and he could feel Hiroto’s entire body relax next to him as their lips touched. 

“I’d like that very much,” he said just to confirm. “We spend more or less every night together as it is. I think a common home sounds perfect.” 

“Really?” Hiroto beamed in that way only he ever could. “I was a bit hesitant to ask tonight, was afraid it might ruin our celebration.” 

“Why would it?” 

“I don’t know. I thought perhaps you’d think it too soon or whatever. It’s not wise to cage a tiger, right?” 

The joke worked wonders in shattering the last of whatever worry lingered in the air. Tora laughed and pulled Hiroto down to rest on top of his chest. “You didn’t have a problem putting a leash on me, now did you?” 

“I did no such thing,” the younger protested with a grin and placed a kiss on Tora’s chest. “You called me, remember? All I ever did was grasp the leash you so willingly offered me.” 

“Oh shut up,” he laughed and smacked Hiroto’s pretty little ass. Hiroto just laughed with him and cuddled closer. He was so happy just then, a feeling that was very mutual. 

\- - - 

Tora leaned against the wall and watched as Hiroto directed Saga with expertise. Not that much direction was needed. Saga seemed to be a natural before the camera. Unlike Shou, who had gone before his boyfriend and just been utterly awkward most of the time. There was a long line of men and women waiting to have their picture taken. Some were classic beauties, others unique like Saga. There were people with piercings and tattoos and many more without. Lolitas and visual kei kids mixed with businessmen and mothers. The diversity was just incredible. 

At the opposite side of the room those who had already been photographed were filling out blankets with their names and other short information. All of it was for Hiroto’s next exhibition. The art gallery where Tora had first met him had asked him to come back and this time the younger had decided to bring portraits of all the types of people in Tokyo. By the looks of it, he’d gathered a pretty good spectrum indeed. 

“Thanks Saga. That was perfect!” Hiroto said enthusiastically as he stepped back from his camera. “You should’ve become a model instead of a lawyer. That was just brilliant!” 

He merely smiled that secretive smile of his, one Tora knew would have had his body tingled had he not been so completely hooked on Hiroto already. “Don’t mention it, sweetheart,” he said and got up from the chair he’d been seated on. “It was fun and I’m looking forward to seeing the result.” 

“You can see your own pictures right away if you want to.” 

The two of them walked over to a computer monitor and quickly went through a few of the frames. Even Saga seemed slightly impressed by the result, but you had to really know him to be able to tell. Standing back up from his slightly hunched position Hiroto groaned and bent his back at an almost awkward angle. 

“People, do you mind if the photographer takes ten minutes?” he called out into the room. One or two looked a bit annoyed, but most just laughed and shook their heads no. “Thanks. I really need to find myself some nicotine and caffeine if I’m to make you all as pretty on picture as you are in real life.” 

Tora grinned again as everybody in the room laughed softly. Some even blushed. Such social skills. It was enviable really. Tora could seduce more or less any man with gay inclinations and pretty much every woman he came across, but he also had a tendency to intimidate people. And as aware as he was of that trait within himself, as aware was he of the fact that Hiroto could make any man or woman on the planet feel comfortable and confident. In front of the camera or just out on the street. It was definitely enviable. 

As Hiroto turned towards the corner where he knew Tora was waiting he groaned. His lover was holding up a thermos and a cigarette. 

“I love you,” he whispered as he grabbed the cancer stick and immediately snuck out the backdoor. 

Tora followed him and poured the younger a cup of coffee before lighting up a smoke of his own. “The photos are turning out really good. I think the exhibition is going to be a hit.” 

“I was going to ask you. Will you let me take your picture?” 

“Mine? I’m not sure I’d make a good model.” 

Hiroto made big eyes and nearly choked on his coffee mixed with smoke. “Are you kidding me? If I can capture your essence in a picture it’ll be the hottest one in the entire exhibition!” 

“I think you’re a bit biased there.” 

Still, the older couldn’t help but to grin at the statement. So he was a bit vain, sue him. There was something appealing in the idea, at least up till the point where the picture would be displayed in big format at the art gallery. 

“I’ll think about it.” 

“I’ll persuade you.” 

Hiroto grinned confidently just as the door opened and one of the heavily pierced faces peaked out. Tora had no idea who the guy was, but apparently it was a friend of Hiroto’s because they shared a conversation about the other’s whereabouts and why he needed his picture taken within the hour. 

“I’ll be there in a second,” Hiroto promised. “Just let me finish this.” 

The black and red haired man disappeared inside and Hiroto leaned against the wall again. He looked tired. Tired, but happy. 

“You won’t be home till late, right?” Tora asked and dropped his finished cigarette to the ground. 

“No, sorry. Don’t wait up, okay?” 

The older nodded and handed his lover the thermos. Hiroto looked thankful and reached up to plant a kiss on the other’s lips. Without further sentiments Tora said his goodbyes and headed back home to their brand new shared apartment. Hiroto took a deep breath, plastered a happy upbeat grin on his face and returned to work. 

\- - - 

Shou looked around one last time, content and nervous at the same time. He loved how the apartment had turned out. They’d gone for warm colours and a lot of fabrics, cushions and carpets without abandoning the Japanese culture entirely. It was something like a mixture between oriental and traditionally Japanese and he really liked it. 

“Stop fussing.” 

Saga’s soft voice filtered through to him as he once again rearranged the pillows on the couch. The shorter man wrapped his arms around Shou’s waist from behind and leaned his chin on the other’s shoulder. 

“Everything looks great. You look great and everyone will love it,” Saga reassured him for the millionth time. 

Shou laughed nervously. “I’m just… I don’t even know what I am. It’s only our friends after all, but your friends are so…” 

“They’re not that different from you or me. It’s not like I invited my slightly homophobic co-workers.” 

That had the blonde laughing for real. “I think that would’ve been a bad idea, yes.” 

The doorbell interrupted the moment and Saga released his lover to go open the door. As expected, Tora and Hiroto were the first to arrive. They were Shou’s closest friends as well as their common ones, which was sadly rare even now. Saga couldn’t say he blamed the other too much for his nervousness, not after how skeptical his own friends had been the first time he introduced the rather flamboyant man.

“Welcome,” he said and held the door open. “I’m glad you’re here. Please make sure to mention how nice and neat everything looks.” 

Both of the new arrivals laughed under their breath. They understood perfectly well and were somewhat impressed over the fact Saga hadn’t fled the field already. Then again, for all they knew he could’ve hidden himself at work all day. 

“Oh, Shou,” Hiroto laughed as he entered the living room and found Shou nervously overlooking everything. “You are such a copycat you know.” 

“What’s that suppose to mean?!” the blonde squeaked, which naturally only had Hiroto laughing harder.

Walking over he reached up and hugged his old friend tightly. “You move in with your boyfriend two months after I move in with mine. That’s just so unoriginal.” 

That earned him a smack on the head and a long speech on love and mature relationships. Tora and Saga observed from the door, both shaking their heads lovingly at the sight of the other two. 

“You want a drink before the others arrive?” Saga asked and Tora happily complied. 

They left the two jibber jabbers to their bickering and retreated to the spacious kitchen. 

Half an hour later the apartment was buzzing with life and chatter, soft music playing in the background and Shou’s voice floating over everything as he played the perfect host. The nervousness had filtered out of him more and more as people arrived and complimented the design of the place. 

“Why didn’t we have a housewarming party?” Hiroto asked as he suddenly appeared by Tora’s side. 

“We did, just not such an organized one,” the older explained. “I can’t really see us sending out glittery invitations and style our place so well it could be cut straight from a design magazine.” 

Hiroto chuckled. “I think you’ve got a point there.” 

Their own apartment was much more rock than Shou’s and Saga’s designer home. Both of them owned an acoustic guitar and Tora also had two electric ones, which now served as living room wall decoration when not being used. The colors were darker without getting depressing and the place was completely littered with CDs, music DVDs, and Hiroto’s pictures and photography equipment. It was nice. It was them. 

“Saga’s friends are nice,” the younger continued after a while. 

“For the most part,” Tora agreed. “A bit stiff, some of them, but that might just be nerves.” 

“Can you blame them? Many of them are straight and they’re tossed in with Shou’s most flamboyant acquaintances.” 

As if to prove a point three of Shou’s glittery friends waltzed up to them to begin an interview on their life. How long had they been seeing each other now? Where did they live? How did the place look? Was Tora as good in bed as he looked to be? It took them quite a while to escape that company with their dignity intact. 

\- - - 

“You sure you don’t want us to help cleaning up?” 

Both Shou and Saga shook their heads no. The party had been a huge success. Good food, good company, good music ,and many laughs. Hiroto had, naturally, taken pictures and they had made both Hiroto and Tora play guitar on an acoustic owned by Saga. The couple had tried to make Saga show off his own skills, since he obviously knew how to play when he owned the instrument, but he had refused in the face of their playing. 

“You helped us get everyone out,” Saga laughed. “That’s more than enough.” 

He was referring to a slight incident taking place in the bathroom. One of Shou’s friends had taken a little too much interest in one of Saga’s less straight ones. Somehow they had ended up in the bathroom and they’d declined to open the door to other guests, so to say. Finally, Tora had picked the lock, a skill he refused to tell where he’d learnt, and with mild force, escorted them off the premises. 

“Yes!” Shou agreed. “Can you imagine they wanted to do it on the bathroom counter?!” 

“Now now, Shou,” Tora said with a grin and the blonde paled slightly. “Don’t step on thin ice, here.” 

“At least those mirrors were already stained!” 

Saga looked at Tora and Hiroto. “Do I even want to know?” 

“Don’t look at me,” the younger said and turned to his tall lover. “Do we want to know?” 

“No,” Tora laughed. “Definitely not. Trust me.” 

Shou mumbled something completely incomprehensible and blushed deeper with every syllable. He all but shoved his two laughing friends out the door and unceremoniously slammed it shut. It wasn’t like they’d take offence or anything. And besides, they’d see each other again tomorrow – that much had already been decided. Saga just looked at him and chuckled, still amused by Tora’s semi-revelation. 

“That wasn’t very polite of you,” he remarked. 

“He had it coming!” Shou grumbled and finally stepped away from the door. “Besides, I kind of wanted you for myself now.” 

“And here I thought we would be cleaning,” the lawyer joked, an amused glint lighting up in his eyes. 

“Cleaning can wait.” Shou closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around the shorter man. “I have much more interesting suggestions on how to end this evening. 

Saga didn’t complain as he was lead to their nowadays common bedroom. Really, why would he?


	4. 04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So you’re upset about them seeing us together, is that what you’re saying?” 
> 
> Tora had the decency to look troubled about the accusation. But it didn’t change the fact that his eyes spoke a clear yes to the question.

There were people everywhere and all of them wanted to talk to Hiroto. Tora was cruising around, talking to people he knew and even more he had never seen before. Every now and then Hiroto would show up at his side and he never hesitated to put an arm around his lover. It was nice to know the younger didn’t forget about him even when all attention was focused on him as a photographer. 

It was the opening night of Hiroto’s new exhibition, the vernissage or whatever it was he called them. The amount of people alone told the story of what a success it was. But perhaps an even bigger proof was how many newspapers had decided to send journalists to report on it. There would be articles in several of the major papers and probably every single gay magazine in the country. Hiroto had been dumbstruck when he saw the press list but Tora was nothing but proud.

“There you are.” His small lover dove under his arm and cuddled up against Tora’s side, all rosy cheeks and honest appreciation in his eyes. “You having a good time?” 

Tora laughed and kissed Hiroto on the head. “This isn’t exactly my field, you know. But yeah, I’m enjoying myself.” 

He was, despite it all. Some of these artistic people were a bit…odd sometimes, but he could handle them. Thankfully most of them were not too unlike Hiroto and people like that Tora knew how to handle. Not like he would bring all of them home and into his bed, but he knew how to talk and act around them. 

“I was a bit worried you’d be bored, actually,” Hiroto confessed. 

“Nah, I’m shuffling around looking at your pictures, drinking champagne that’s much better than the stuff they served when I first met you, and mingling with people I don’t even know how to pronounce their names.” 

Hiroto made a sound halfway between a giggle and a snort. “Don’t mind their wannabe French names,” he said, pinpointing which group of people Tora was referring to immediately. “They think it makes them sound more top notch.” 

“Or just more gay.” They both chuckled. “Let’s just hope Shou doesn’t get any ideas.” 

“I’m quite sure Saga will help us sue him if he does.” 

“Who would you have me sue?” 

They turned around and found Saga with his arm around a positively glowing Shou. The blonde never missed a chance to dress up and tonight he looked like the embodiment of a gay man with a fashion sense. Shou had always been interested in clothes, shown perhaps by his choice of working in various clothing stores throughout the years. After he hooked up with Saga, however, the interest had taken a new turn. Lawyers, if they were successful, made a lot of money. Judging by the designer suit currently decorating Shou’s lanky frame, Saga was rather successful in the courtroom. 

The question made Tora smirk whereas Hiroto broke down in hysterical giggles. Shou wrinkled his pretty little nose in mocked offence at the sight of their desperate attempts not to look at each other right then. 

“Oh thank you very much,” he said and tried to remain serious. “What have I done to deserve a law suit from my gorgeous future husband?” 

Apparently that was not the first time he’d referred to Saga that way. The lawyer didn’t even arch a brow at the statement. 

“Nothing,” Hiroto finally responded to the question. “Yet!” 

For once even Tora broke down giggling, a very rare sight. Pulling his boyfriend close he gave him a scorching kiss. Shou merely shook his head, most likely he didn’t even _want_ to know what the two of them had come up with. 

“Oh my god, it’s you!” 

The quartet turned around at the sudden interruption. A young woman, unknown to all of them, was approaching. She wore a slightly love stricken expression and a sleek black dress. Shou was the only one who recognized it as a knockoff rather than real designer. 

“You are the man in the picture!” 

Tora squirmed slightly, clearly uncomfortable with the sudden attention. “Why did I let you take my picture again?” he mumbled. 

“You took the picture?” the woman continued, now turning her attention towards Hiroto. “Does that mean you’re the photographer?” 

“No, it means he’s the fucking Queen of Sheba,” Shou mumbled under his breath. It caused Tora to smirk, naturally, and Hiroto desperately tried to suffocate his giggles as the woman stared him down intently. The only one who managed to hold his composure was Saga, but then that was how he made his livelihood. 

“Yes,” Hiroto finally said after having gathered himself somewhat. “Yes, I am the photographer.” 

The woman broke out in a near hysterical rant about Hiroto’s photos, his techniques and his skills. It was enough for Shou to excuse himself and disappear mysteriously in the crowd. Even Saga faltered in his serenity for a minute. In the end it was Tora who efficiently shut the woman up just by getting _that_ look in his eyes and staring her down. 

“It is you,” she all but whispered. 

“Yes,” Hiroto confirmed and placed an arm around his lover once more. His lover who had yet to break his paralyzing stare. “I know exactly which picture you’re talking about. I’m very proud of it, it captures him. Don’t you think?” 

“It does indeed,” the woman agreed. “Is he your…lover?” 

“He is.” 

“Pity.” She said it with a smile. “You’re very lucky, Mr. Ogata. I don’t assume the picture is for sale?” 

“I have yet to decide on that, to be honest,” Hiroto confessed. 

“If you decide that it is, please let me know.” She offered a business card and Hiroto took it without question. With a smile and a slight bow the woman disappeared back into the crowd. 

“Are all your admires that…,” Tora couldn’t quite find the word. 

“Weird?” the younger supplied. 

“Yeah, that would be a suitable term.” 

The two of them scanned the room, but the woman had disappeared as suddenly as she’d first showed up. Tora was just about to suggest they step out for a smoke when another journalist stepped up and asked for a comment. The older bowed slightly and stepped aside. He had no intention of being caught in the headlights of another magazine looking for artistic input he felt entirely insufficient to give. 

\- - - 

Hiroto followed the scent of fresh coffee and, quite naturally, found himself in the kitchen. It’d been a late evening the night before, as the guest of honour he hadn’t exactly been able to leave the gallery before the party was over. Thankfully, today was a Saturday, meaning neither he nor Tora had anything they needed to do. They’d slept in but the older had apparently gotten out of bed before him. Apparently he’d also made breakfast, which Hiroto was not about to complain about considering Tora was an excellent chef. 

He found his lover by the kitchen table. Tora had a cup of coffee and muffins from the bakery on the corner in front of him. He was not much for sweets, but somehow Hiroto had gotten him hooked on blueberry muffins for Saturday breakfast. More normal was the fact that the older was reading the newspaper. 

“You reading the reviews?” he asked and poured himself a huge cup of coffee. He was, of course, very curious about what all the journalists had had to say about his photos. 

“Mhm.” 

It was a rather abrupt answer and definitely one Hiroto was not expecting. He looked up questioningly. Tora was frowning, his shoulders were tense and the newspaper was slightly wrinkled from where his fingers was gripping it a little bit too hard. 

“What’s wrong?” Hiroto asked worriedly and took a seat opposite of his lover. 

“Why would anything be wrong?” Tora asked without lowering the paper. 

“Oh I don’t know, because I know you? Because you’re tensed, upset, and ignoring me on a Saturday morning?” 

Tora put the newspaper down on the table, using a tad bit more force than was necessary for the act. His eyes had that piercing look that made most people, even Hiroto on the few times it was directed at him, squirm uncomfortably as he turned the paper around slowly and pushed it towards his boyfriend. 

Hiroto lowered his eyes and scanned the article. It was indeed a review of the exhibition, a good one to that, and it was accompanied by a picture of the two of them. He was snuggled up to Tora’s side and the older had his arm around him. They were smiling widely and looked very happy. In love even, which was exactly what the caption said they were. _'Ogata Hiroto was enjoying the opening of his exhibition in company of his boyfriend Amano Shinji.'_

“Okay?” Hiroto looked up questioningly and took a big gulp of coffee. “I still don’t see the problem.” 

“That’s _Nihon Keizai Shimbun_ ,” Tora said. 

“I can see that,” the younger retorted. “I’m rather honoured actually. They’re not usually so nice in their reviews, especially not when the artist is…gay.” 

“Damn it, Hiroto! The people I work with read that newspaper.” 

Oh, so that was the problem. It was an argument, discussion, call it whatever you want but they’d had it many times over the years. Tora didn’t deny being gay when asked if he was but he was far from flaunting it. The bank where he worked was not the most accepting area when it came to homosexuality and most of his colleagues were more or less homophobic. 

“So you’re upset about them seeing us together. Is that what you’re saying?” 

Tora had the decency to look troubled about the accusation. But it didn’t change the fact that his eyes spoke a clear yes to the question. 

“Great,” Hiroto said and shoved the newspaper back across the table. “That _is_ what you’re saying.” 

He sounded accusing and he was aware of it. In one way it made him feel bad, because he knew that his own line of work was a lot more accepting than Tora’s. But in another way he was sick and tired of how Tora couldn’t just seem to embrace everything they were. He was a gay man, open enough to have broken off with his family when they didn’t accept it for Christ’s sake! They’d been in a relationship for more than two years and still this was an issue. Was it really that strange if Hiroto felt slightly offended about Tora being upset about a picture in the newspaper? 

“You knew there was going to be reporters, journalists, and photographers at the opening,” he said and leaned back in his chair. “I told you that when I asked you to come with me. As my date.” 

The spite did not pass Tora by. “What was I supposed to do? Tell you no? I knew how important it was for you to have me there.” 

“You think it makes me less upset to have you react like this to a stupid picture?” He stood up and grabbed his coffee cup once more. “I’m going out for a smoke.” 

He didn’t even make it as far as the kitchen door. “Hiroto–“ 

“No Tora, just… I need a moment, okay?” He was just about to exit the kitchen as he turned slightly, just enough to look over his shoulder at his lover of a few years back. “This is not how I was planning to spend my Saturday morning.” 

He left the kitchen and Tora finished his breakfast alone. It was not as tasty as normally, and far from as enjoyable. In the end he threw most of it away and went to take a shower. Alone. In the early afternoon he went grocery shopping. Alone. Meanwhile Hiroto did laundry, alone, and went down to the gallery to check on the progress. Alone. 

All in all they barely spoke to one another during the entire day. Sunday went by in much the same manner. They were civilized enough to have their meals together but conversation was sparse and focused only on things that needed to be done in the apartment. It was unlike them and quite unnerving, really, but both of them were too stubborn to admit that they’d been wrong. 

\- - - 

Monday morning came by and Tora went to work as usual. In all honesty he was quite relieved to get out of the apartment. He knew he should apologize, that the argument had been mostly his fault and that Hiroto indeed had a point in what he’d said. But he still felt worried about the affect that newspaper article might have. 

“Shinji,” one of his co-workers greeted him as he stepped through the door. No one at the bank called him by his teenage nickname. It made him slightly uncomfortable actually. These days he felt a lot more like Tora than Shinji. 

The mentioning of his name caused several others to look up from their desks or where they were locking away their personal affects. Just by looking at their faces Tora could tell they’d all read the article, seen the picture, and the caption that came with it. Most of them knew about his sexuality already but that didn’t mean they liked or accepted it. 

“Had a nice weekend Shinji?” 

“Not really,” he replied, shoulders tense as he hung his jacket in the designated area and went to his desk. 

“Oh no?” The voice belonged to one of his least favourite co-workers, one of the most homophobic ones who never tried to hide his dislike. “I thought you had a night out with lover boy.” 

The newspaper landed before him and the picture stared up him. “Ogata Hiroto was enjoying the opening of his exhibition in company of his _boyfriend_ Amano Shinji. Honestly, Shinji, did you really expect to get away with it?” 

Tora looked up at the older man, unfortunately his superior in the work hierarchy so there wasn’t too much he could do or say. Not if he wanted to keep his job. But no one could fire him for glaring and that was an art he had perfected over many years. 

“What I do in my spare time is none of your business, Mr. Aoki.” He didn’t break the glare as he stood up and revelled in the fact that he was quite a bit taller than the other. “And as far as I know, neither is who I chose to sleep with.” 

Fearing he might do something very reckless, like taking out his pent up anger and frustration on Aoki, he stalked over to the coffee machine. The words alone were reckless and he was quite certain they did not mean the end of the conversation. 

“You’re making it my business when I have to see you molesting another guy in my morning paper,” Aoki retorted with a touch of disgust in his voice. “It’s not exactly what I want to see while eating breakfast.” 

Something stirred dangerously inside Tora’s chest. Looking around he could see some co-workers averting their eyes with troubled and uneasy expressions. But he could also see several others nodding in agreement to what Aoki was saying. 

With a few quick strides he returned to his desk and forcefully turned the paper around to face his narrow-minded co-worker again. “Would this picture trouble you in the slightest if Hiroto was wearing a dress?” he hissed, letting his anger show rather clearly. “Or if the caption said Ogata Hiroko instead?” 

“If he was wearing a dress yeah,” Aoki responded maliciously. Clearly he was now imagining a flamboyant transsexual instead of a woman. “But if it was a woman, no. That would be normal.” 

Tora just shook his head. This conversation reminded him all too much of the many times he’d tried to make his parents see and accept his sexuality. “You know what Ryou, I pity you.” 

“ _You_ pity _me_?” 

“Yeah, I do.” 

He was not in the mood to explain his statement. He doubted Aoki or any of the other bankers who stood around them with revolted expressions would ever see his logics anyway. They were too narrow-minded, too determined to see him and any other homosexual as disgusting and abnormal. People it was okay to ridicule and disrespect. 

“I bet you jerk off to lesbian porn every night,” he mumbled under his breath, more or less subconsciously. 

“What did you say?” Aoki sounded furious and Tora quickly realised his mistake, but he was not about to apologize for it. 

“Nothing. I said nothing. Let’s just get back to work, okay?” He took a seat again and looked up at his superior. “We won’t reach an agreement on this either way.” 

Aoki didn’t respond in any way. He just turned on his heel and stalked away across the floor. Tora sighed heavily and rubbed a hand over his face. Ten minutes at work and he was already developing a headache. Great. 

\- - - 

When Tora got home in the evening the entire house smelled of food and freshly cleaned floors. The thing with Hiroto was that he wasn’t a bad chef – he just found it really boring to cook. Therefore Tora knew the younger had really made an effort when he found a table set with plates and pots and candlesticks. It was sweet really and he wished he’d been in a better mood. 

“Welcome home…” 

It was perhaps the kindest thing they’d said to each other since Saturday morning. Or rather Friday night. Saturday morning hadn’t exactly been crammed with civility. 

“Thanks…” 

Hiroto bit his lip nervously at the sight of his lover. Not because he feared him, never, but because Tora looked extremely tired and worn. Their prolonged argument had taken its toll on him as well but right now he was certain Tora was worse off still. 

“They gave you shit for it, didn’t they?” 

There was no need to clarify what ‘it’ was. Nor for Tora to answer really, Hiroto already knew it for a fact and they were both aware of that. But he nodded his head tiredly and looked at the table. 

“You made dinner,” he said and a soft smile graced his lips. “Looks nice.” 

He didn’t want to fight anymore. It’d been a stupid fight to begin with. Not to mention entirely his fault. He could ask Hiroto to be more patient with him, understand more fully the fact that homosexuality was not accepted at Tora’s workplace. But it wasn’t fair of him. They were closing in on two and a half years together. They shared an apartment and a life. Hiroto was the most important thing in his life and he had no right to ever make the younger feel like he wasn’t number one. 

“I’m sorry.” 

The tone was as close to broken as Tora ever got and Hiroto knew he was the only one to hear it. “It’s okay. I know you are.” 

He was not about to say Tora didn’t need to be sorry because the older should apologise for his behaviour. It hurt when Tora began to act like that. Perhaps it shouldn’t, but it did. And it made Hiroto feel like the older doubted their relationship. He was fairly certain that was not the case, but whenever Tora tried to hide their relationship like that the thought always crossed his mind. 

“Let’s just eat, okay?” 

They didn’t speak much during the meal. But unlike how it had been during the weekend, this silence was a comfortable one. Tora clearly needed to gather his thoughts and Hiroto was willing to let him do just that. It was preferable over another heated argument or thoughtless discussion. 

After dinner, they found themselves on the couch, for once leaving the dishes till morning since neither of them felt like taking care of the mess. They merely cuddled up next to each other and watched whatever was on TV. Tora wrapped his arm around Hiroto’s slender shoulders and he in return draped his over Tora’s chest. They giggled at stupid game shows and kept switching back and forth between three equally uninteresting movies. 

“I am sorry for how I’ve acted these past few days,” Tora eventually said. His tone of voice was much lighter, as if a huge weight had fallen off of him. 

“It’s okay,” Hiroto said and smiled up at his lover. “I mean…I _know_ that your co-workers don’t accept you – accept us. I think I should be a bit more patient with it than I am.” 

“No.” Tora shook his head. “No you shouldn’t. You were right in what you said. I’ve been with you for two and a half years. I should never let anything or anyone come before you.” 

A very content smile found its way onto the younger’s lips and he curled up closer to his lover. He poked Tora in the side, a spot he knew was ticklish and choked a giggle at the responding grunt. 

“No, you shouldn’t,” he agreed. 

He didn’t look up but he just knew Tora was smirking right then. 

\- - - 

Tora awoke to a wet lump landing on top of him in bed. A cold wet lump! Tora was a warm sleeper and as much as he loved a fresh out of the shower Hiroto, he did not love to have him in his bed. 

“For fuck’s sake, Pon!” he gasped out and almost threw the tiny body out of bed. “Don’t fucking do that!” 

Hiroto just giggled mischievously and curled up seductively among the sheets. He was very naked and they both knew it, but he was also very wet indeed. 

“You do realize that the more you tell me not to, the more fun it is to jump you.” 

“Is that so.” Tora rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Can’t you wake me up before hitting the shower? Much more fun that way, I promise you.” 

He sat up in bed and stretched, causing the joints in his shoulders to pop with a sickening sound. However, before he had the chance to get up Hiroto tackled him down again and straddled his thighs. 

“Why the hurry?” he asked. “As far as I know I’m the only one who has a meeting today.” 

“And what?” Tora didn’t mind wrapping his large hands around narrow hips. “You figured you’d have some fun before leaving?” 

“I’ve got the time…” 

He wiggled his hips suggestively and Tora’s grip around his hips tightened slightly. The older was barely awake but it was hard not to be effected when the man you loved was dragging his naked body over yours. His hands slid further down to Hiroto’s thighs and stroked powerfully. 

“Are you going to make me work for it as well?” he asked in a voice that made Hiroto smirk. Anyone who had known Tora like he did, meaning in bed, would know that the older was getting aroused. 

“First of all…” He moved down the other’s body with a devious smile. “I need to get you hard.” 

Before Tora had a chance to react or respond he wrapped his plump lips around a semi-hard erection. Hiroto had been good at sucking cock when they first met three years ago and he hadn’t gotten worse since then. By now he knew exactly how to twirl his tongue and where to apply pressure to have Tora groaning in mere moments. 

“Fuck Pon…” Tora indeed groaned. “How long do you have?” 

Hiroto released the now fully hard arousal and grinned up at the other. “Just long enough for you to fuck me if you do it in the shower.” 

It made sense. Tora had briefly wondered why Hiroto wanted a fuck after he’d taken a shower, but then he lost himself in the blowjob and forgot all about it. Now, he pushed the younger off his body and got out of bed. 

“Come on, then,” he said and pulled Hiroto up with him. “I’m not letting you go now.” 

They barely reached the bathroom and the shower stall before Tora had the younger pushed up against the wall. Both of them enjoyed shower sex so they’d long ago hidden a tube of lube among the shower gel and shampoo bottles. Only once had it been a problem, when Hiroto’s friend and model Aki took a shower before they all headed out. Aki liked to tease. A lot. 

Considering how willing Hiroto was it didn’t take long for Tora to prep him and then he was pushing into delicious heat. Once his head caught up with the idea this was a pretty splendid way to wake up. They didn’t have time to go slow so he thrust in good and hard, revelling in the moans Hiroto gave off. 

“Quit teasing,” Hiroto hissed. “We don’t have time for that.” 

“You started it,” Tora retorted. 

But he changed his angle just enough for his next thrust to hit just right. Hiroto threw his head back against the wall with a thud and cried out slightly. It didn’t take long for him to come after that. Not when he didn’t even try to hold back. He cried out once again and clenched down around Tora, effectively bringing his lover with him over the edge. 

“Fuck,” Tora said once he regained his ability to speak. “You should wake me up like that every morning. Minus the whole jumping me while wet and cold thing.” 

Hiroto giggled softly. “But it’s the best way to actually wake you up.” 

The older snorted and carefully put his lover down on the ground. Pushing the younger under the water spray he grabbed the shampoo and then carefully massaged the substance into the dark hair. Hiroto groaned softly at the treatment. It was one of his favourite things, having someone else wash his hair. He wished they had more time to enjoy this shower, but even a quick shower with Tora was better than taking one alone. 

They finished cleaning off and got dressed, then enjoyed a simple breakfast together. Tora had just kissed the younger goodbye and closed the door behind him when his cell phone rang. 

_“Hey Tora, it’s Saga.”_

“Hey.” 

_“I was just thinking, Shou is working all day today but I’m off and considering it’s a Saturday, I was hoping you’re free too.”_

“I am,” Tora grinned. Since he first met Saga he’d realized the other man wasn’t too fond of being alone. “I just had breakfast but you’re free to come over, I can cook lunch later on.” 

Saga laughed over the line. _“How could I ever turn down your cooking? I’ll come by in half an hour or so. Sounds good?”_

“Perfect. And Saga, could you pick me up a pack of smokes on the way?” 

_“No problem, consider it payment for dinner.”_

They hung up and Tora went to do an inventory of the kitchen cabinets to try and figure out just what he could make for lunch. It shouldn’t be all that hard to invent something, especially not when all it had to do was fill their stomachs and cure hunger. 

Thirty-five minutes later Saga knocked on his door and immediately tossed a pack of cigarettes to Tora as he opened. He in turn had made coffee and they quickly found themselves on the balcony smoking and talking. They liked spending time together. Both of them were less obvious in their sexuality than their partners, or at least less obvious than Shou, and they’d found out they had quite a bit in common. What had really strengthened their friendship was how much Saga had supported Tora about being a gay man in a not so accepting environment. He knew, better than Shou or Hiroto could ever, what it was like to not be accepted at your workplace and that was a great comfort to Tora. If he ever needed someone to talk to, someone other than Shou who just suggested to flaunt it and don’t give a damn about the world, he knew he could always talk to Saga. 

Lunch was enjoyed on the balcony as well. A simple dish of noodles and salmon that the lawyer found absolutely delicious. They’d just poured themselves another cup of coffee when Tora’s cell phone rang again. He frowned as the called-ID said unknown. 

“Hello?” 

_“Mr. Amano? Mr. Amano Shinji?”_

“Yes,” Tora replied, not used to hearing his birth name outside of work. And definitely not on this line. “I’m Amano Shinji.” 

_“I’m calling from Aiiku Hospital, Mr. Amano. I’m calling about Ogata Hiroto.”_


	5. 05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The woman calling wouldn’t tell him what had happened or how Hiroto was doing, only asked him to head over there as quick as possible. That alone was enough to make Tora sick with worry.

Disregarding traffic, Aiiku Hospital was a good half hour drive from Tora’s and Hiroto’s apartment. Tora covered the distance in twenty minutes. The woman calling wouldn’t tell him what had happened or how Hiroto was doing, only asked him to head over there as quickly as possible. That alone was enough to make Tora sick with worry. Something told him that things were bad since they wanted him there when he got the information. Saga told him not to jump to conclusions, but urged him to hurry up and get to the hospital nonetheless. Meanwhile the lawyer would go pick Shou up from work and then join Tora there. 

The tall banker almost knocked people over as he ran through the door. His car was parked illegally right outside the main entrance but he couldn’t care less. He just wanted to see Hiroto – make sure his lover was alright. Or at least that he would be. 

“Can I help you, sir?” the petite woman behind the counter asked as he ran up to her. 

“Ogata Hiroto,” he gasped out. “I got a call saying he’s here.” 

The woman made a few clicks on her computer and got a look on her face that didn’t exactly ease Tora’s worry. She got up and rounded the counter. 

“If you come with me, Mr…?” 

“Amano. Amano Shinji,” he said and allowed himself to be led down the hall. 

“I thought so, Mr. Amano.” She sat him down in a waiting hall further down. “Just sit down here and wait, Mr. Amano. I’ll make sure a doctor comes to inform you shortly on Mr. Ogata’s status.” 

“A doctor?” Tora swallowed hard to try and keep the panic at bay. “Can’t I just see him?” 

The woman, a nurse, or so the uniform said, smiled what he assumed was suppose to be a comforting smile. “Like I said, a doctor will come by and talk to you shortly. Would you like something to drink while you wait, Mr. Amano?” 

“No, thank you.” Tora sat down heavily in the chair the nurse had offered him. She smiled and began to walk back to her desk. “Miss! Two friends of Hi…Mr. Ogata’s are coming by shortly.” 

She smiled at him again. “I’ll make sure to see them here,” she promised. 

“Thank you.” 

He leaned back in his seat and ignored the itch for a cigarette. The last thing he wanted was to miss the doctor and whatever information the professional could offer him. 

Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long. A woman dressed in a white coat approached him a few minutes later. Tora stood up when he realized that she was searching his eyes questioningly. 

“Mr. Amano?” 

“Yes, that’s me,” he confirmed and took the hand she offered him. His own was clammy, but he didn’t even notice right now. “Are you Hiroto’s doctor?” 

For the past ten minutes he’d been telling himself not to panic. There was no point in getting worked up until he knew what had happened. Hiroto would be okay. He had to keep believing that or he would break down entirely. 

“Yes, I’m Dr. Tanaka,” the woman confirmed. “I was the first to attend to Mr. Ogata when he arrived here.” 

“Where is he? Can I see him?” Tora tried to keep his voice steady and succeeded surprisingly well. Perhaps it was the calmness Dr. Tanaka exuded. 

“I’m afraid not. Why don’t we take a seat, Mr. Amano.” 

She guided Tora back down in his seat and took the one next to him. There was a chart in her hands and she looked it over quickly before addressing him again. 

“You are Mr. Ogata’s partner, correct?” 

Tora nodded in confirmation. It’d been Hiroto’s idea for them to list each other as next of kin at the hospitals, should something ever happen to either one. Considering how he barely had any contact with his own family and Hiroto’s lived about three hours outside of Tokyo it’d seemed like a good idea. 

“Mr. Ogata arrived here by ambulance–“ 

“Ambulance?” he interrupted, and this time there _was_ panic in his voice. 

“Yes,” Dr. Tanaka confirmed with a sympathetic look. “Mr. Ogata arrived here by ambulance little over an hour ago. I was the first doctor to tend to him.” 

“Please, tell me everything you know. And I want to see him as soon as possible.” 

He didn’t like this. He didn’t like it all. There was something in the way Dr. Tanaka looked at him that had his heart constricting in worry. Not to mention how no one would let him see Hiroto. He just wanted to hold the smaller man in his arms and hear him say he would be alright. 

“Mr. Amano,” Dr. Tanaka continued and made him look back up at her. “Mr. Ogata has been abused. That’s why he was taken to the hospital.” 

Tora was certain all colour drained from his face right then. He’d been trying to tell himself that Hiroto had been bumped by a car on the sidewalk or perhaps that he’d fallen and broken an arm or something. But… 

“Abused?” 

“Yes, I’m afraid so.” 

“Please, Dr. Tanaka, I want to see him,” he said and tried to stand up. “Can you just take me to him now?” 

“Mr. Amano.” She put a hand on his arm and he paused. “Please sit down.” 

Tora did as he was told, feeling more uneasy than ever. “What are you not telling me?” 

“The abuse Mr. Ogata was subjected to was quite severe. I sent him to surgery shortly after he arrived here.” 

For a second Tora was sure he’d heard wrong. Surgery? No, Hiroto couldn’t be in surgery. And severe? What did she mean by the abuse being severe? Severe enough to need surgery, his brain reluctantly informed him. 

“Is he going to be alright?” he whispered. Suddenly his voice was all gone. 

“I checked with the surgeons just before coming to see you,” she said. “According to them, everything is looking good and he should be getting out of surgery just fine pretty soon. However, the next twenty-four hours are critical.” 

He wanted to cry. Or maybe throw up. Perhaps both. This was the worst case scenario. The kind of thing you keep reading about in books but never expect to have happen in reality. Especially not to yourself. 

Tora was just about to ask further questions, anything to try and calm himself down, when Shou came rushing down the hallway. Saga was walking briskly behind him and both of them wore worried looks on their faces. Though, of course, Shou’s was worse than Saga’s. Both because he knew Hiroto better than his boyfriend but also because it was in his nature to wear his heart on the sleeve. 

“Where’s Hiroto? Is he alright?” he almost yelled as soon as he saw Tora sitting with the doctor. 

Dr. Tanaka gave a brief recapture of what she’d just told Tora and Shou all but broke down. Saga actually planted the taller man on his lap after sitting down in a chair and held him closely. 

“I have to tend to some patients,” Dr. Tanaka said and got up with a regretful look at the trio. “But I promise you, I will come find you as soon as Mr. Ogata is out of surgery.” 

Saga nodded in thanks when neither Tora nor Shou seemed able to answer her. She left and the three of them sat in silence. The only thing breaking it was Shou’s soft sobs. There wasn’t much to say or do. Saga briefly left Shou with Tora and went to the cafeteria to get them all some coffee, but other than that they just waited as patiently as they could. 

Dr. Tanaka returned about forty-five minutes later and Tora immediately stood up to greet her. 

“How is he?” he immediately asked. In his opinion there was no time for polite behaviour. 

“Mr. Ogata is out of surgery and everything is looking good at the moment,” Dr. Tanaka replied. “There was an incident–“ 

“An incident?” Shou shriek and stood up. “What does that mean?” 

He was tearing up again and Saga placed a protective arm around his lover to keep him steady. It made Tora all the more aware of how Hiroto was not in the room, but he was glad that Shou had asked the question. If nothing else it meant he didn’t have to push it over his own lips. 

“It means,” Dr. Tanaka moved to clarify. “That Mr. Ogata suffered an unexpected bleeding just as they were closing him up. He was severely abused and the surgeons had already repaired some internal bleeding, it was unexpected but not unusual.” 

Tora pulled a hand over his face and fought back tears of his own. This really was a nightmare. He just wanted to go back to this morning and tell Hiroto to skip whatever meeting he was attending. Heck, he didn’t even know what it had been about. 

“Is he going to be alright?” he asked again. 

“The next twenty-four hours are critical, as I told you before Mr. Amano.” 

“Can we see him yet?” Saga asked. He was holding on to Shou as if the other would collapse should he let go of him. In all honesty, he probably would. 

Dr. Tanaka nodded. “I’ll take you to his room now. But I must insist that only one person at a time go in there. He is still unconscious, but we don’t want to risk anything by making a ruckus in his room.” 

The three of them nodded and followed the doctor through the hallways. She stopped outside a room without windows out towards the hallway. Repeating her instructions from before she left them standing there. Saga and Shou both ensured Tora he could go in first – should go first considering it was his lover. Tora nodded in thanks and swallowed hard before opening the door. 

Nothing could’ve prepared him for the view. Hiroto’s small frame was all but drowning in the hospital bed and a multitude of tubes connected him to various machines. The beeping of the heart monitor filled the small room, but Tora only focused on Hiroto’s face. It was swollen and discoloured and there were cuts held together by white stripes on his left cheek and forehead. 

“Oh god,” Tora gasped once he remembered how to breathe. A few quick strides brought him over to the bed and he didn’t even bother to find a chair, just knelt next to it. “I’m here, baby. I’m here now.” 

He grabbed Hiroto’s limp hand in his larger one and wished with everything he was that the fingers would squeeze him back. They didn’t, of course. 

“Everything will be alright, Pon,” he whispered and oh so carefully brushed a lock of hair from the younger’s forehead. “You’ll be alright. You have to be alright…” 

He stayed for three quarters of an hour before planting a soft kiss just above the cut on Hiroto’s forehead and leaving room for Shou. Saga, being the ever practical thinker, had meanwhile made sure Hiroto’s parents were informed of what had happened. They would be arriving as quickly as possible. 

After Saga made a brief visit to Hiroto as well, he dragged his boyfriend and Tora down to the cafeteria, claiming all of them needed a moment to regain their composure. Tora left his cell phone number to the nurse in charge of the floor Hiroto was on before agreeing to go. Dr. Tanaka found them there, by coincidence, and also promised to keep them updated as soon as she heard any news. 

However, soon they found themselves back on Hiroto’s floor. Tora couldn’t stand the thought of being away from his lover now. He only left the room once Hiroto’s parents arrived so that the two of them could go in and see their son. They also saw Dr. Tanaka and got proper information from her, much like Tora, Shou, and Saga had already received. 

The afternoon floated by in a blur. Saga wanted to take Shou home, but the flamboyant man absolutely refused to leave. Tora spent the most time with Hiroto. Even his parents had said that was probably how he would’ve wanted it. Thus it was Tora who sat slumbering in a chair next to the bed when it happened. 

He startled awake when the repetitive beeping changed to a single offensive high-pitched tone. The few seconds it took him to realize what was going on was all it took for the doctors and nurses to swarm the room. 

“Hiroto?” His view of the younger man got blocked by several nurses tearing at tubes and starting compressions. “No, no… Hiroto!” 

“Mr. Amano.” Dr. Tanaka grabbed his arm but he tore free and tried to get to his lover. “Mr. Amano, I must ask you to leave this room!” 

Tora didn’t listen, he didn’t even hear her. All he could hear was the single tone indicating death. He wasn’t even aware of how he was screaming and struggling against the nurses that tried to get him out of the room. 

“Hiroto! Hiroto!” 

In the end it took three big male nurses to get him out into the hallway where his frantic screaming had already alerted the other’s to the fact that something was wrong. Very wrong. The door to the hospital room slammed shut in Tora’s face and he stumbled back until he hit the wall. Shou was panicking and clawed at the taller’s clothes as he tried to get information out of him. Saga tried to calm him down and Hiroto’s parents just held each other closely and waited for any kind of information from Tora or the doctors. 

Tora felt like they had to wait forever before Dr. Tanaka stepped out of the hospital room. Something about the look she wore made him wish she’d go back inside and never return though. She looked too…sympathetic. Too sad in a faked way, as if she had practiced the look in the mirror. 

“I’m sorry.” 

_No…_

“We did everything we could.” 

_No._

“But unfortunately…” 

_No!_

Tora wanted to scream. He wanted to grab her and shake her! Anything to prevent her from continuing the sentence she had started. He didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t bear the thought of it. 

“There was nothing we could do. I’m very sorry, but Mr. Ogata just passed away due to his injuries.” 

“No!” 

It was Shou who screamed, a sound so pained it could break anyone’s heart. Saga immediately wrapped his arms around his lover as the flamboyant man finally did break down entirely. Mrs. Ogata wasn’t much better off. In fact she looked like she might pass out any minute with the way all colour drained from her face and silent tears flowed down her cheeks instantly. Perhaps the shock was too great for her to even cry out loudly. The only thing that seemed to keep her from crumbling down from the chair she was seated on was her husband’s arms around her. 

Tora watched them all without really seeing them. Saw the sadness they all displayed and for a second he looked around to find Hiroto, to comfort him the way Saga was comforting Shou. Then Dr. Tanaka’s words finally sunk in and he remembered… Hiroto was the reason the others were crying. 

Hiroto, his Hiroto, was gone. 

“No…” Not even the wall behind his back could hold him up. His knees gave out and he crashed to the floor gracelessly. “No, no, no, no…” 

They were mere whispers, barely audible over Shou’s frantic crying. Tora couldn’t breathe. There was something weighing down on his chest and no matter how hard he tried to draw breath no air would enter his lungs. He needed Hiroto; needed his lover to come and calm him down. That thought only renewed the knowledge that Hiroto would never come to his aid again and he clawed desperately at the wall and floor as the shock was slowly suffocating him. 

“Mr. Amano!” A hard slap brought him out of the deadly state and he drew a desperate breath of air. “That’s good, breathe, Mr. Amano. Breathe.” 

There was nothing but grief and desperation in Tora’s eyes as he looked up at the doctor. The slap was long forgotten, he didn’t even feel the sting in his cheek even though it was turning a vicious red at the moment. 

“I want to see him,” he whispered. “Please, I need to see him.” 

Dr. Tanaka nodded and awkwardly helped the much taller man get to his feet. Saga looked up at him with tear-filled eyes but didn’t try to stop him. He was busy cradling Shou’s body in his arms, holding his lover as he cried desperately into the lawyer’s neck. Mrs. Ogata too had broken down and was sobbing into her husband’s chest. No one seemed to object to Tora being the first to enter Hiroto’s room this time around either. All of them had someone to comfort them. Perhaps they somehow understood the taller’s need to be with his lover now. Even when the situation was what it was. 

Tora entered the hospital room and didn’t even register the fact that Dr. Tanaka lingered inside the door. All his focus was on the small body on top of the bed, much like it had been the first time he stepped in there. The nurses had removed all of the tubes, leaving Hiroto in a sleep like state. But nothing could hide the swelling and discolouring of his face. The reason, Tora thought briefly, for his death. 

He didn’t think any further as he slowly approached the bed. Last time he’d been rushing, desperate in his need to get to his lover’s side. This time he was afraid. His hand was shaking as he reached out and carefully touched Hiroto’s. It was already growing cold. Or at least that was how he perceived it and it was enough for him to yank his hand back with a shocked gasp. 

The door silently opened and closed behind him. Having made sure Tora wasn’t going into shock again Dr. Tanaka had decided to give him some privacy. To say goodbye, he guessed. Goodbye… The word finally tore down whatever defences his mind had put up when the news were first delivered. A pained sob broke through his chest and with a gasp he grabbed Hiroto’s small hand. Too hard no doubt, but his lover couldn’t complain. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and fell down on his knees again. It was the exact same position he’d been in when reassuring Hiroto he would be alright only hours earlier. “I’m so sorry, Pon…” 

The first tears spilled over in his eyes and they were quickly followed by more. Bending over the small body, holding on to the hand and fisting his free one in the hospital gown Hiroto was clad in, he let the grief roam free through his body. He cried, harder than he had ever cried before. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

He wasn’t really sure what he was apologising for. Not being there, perhaps. By size alone, Tora could take on most people and he knew that any threat against Hiroto would’ve given him immense strength. He wanted nothing more than for Hiroto to wake up and wrap his arms around him, comfort him, and tell him it was okay. But he would never get a hug from those arms again – never hear the adorable ringing laughter again or share another conversation with the other. 

“Come back to me,” he begged against all reason. “I need you, baby. You hear me? I need you!” 

But Hiroto couldn’t hear him. He was gone. Tora was alone. In the hallways outside friends and family were comforting each other, two and two. The one who was supposed to comfort him was lying limp beneath him. No breaths raising his chest, no heartbeat to lull Tora to sleep. Just a cold, dead silence that tore at his heart more and more by the minute. He wanted to get up and run away, forget that this had ever happened. But he had nowhere to go. 

Right then Tora felt his life was over. That he’d died along with Hiroto. 

\- - - 

The following days went by in a blur. Eventually, Tora had been pulled out of Hiroto’s hospital room and in the end Saga had forced him to come home with him and Shou. He would not allow the dark haired man to be alone after what had just happened. In a way Tora was grateful for it. He was terrified of being alone in his and Hiroto’s apartment. Since the two of them had moved in together two years previously, he hadn’t spent a single evening alone. But at the same time, he just wanted to crawl in on himself and never be bothered with anything ever again. 

Hiroto’s parents stayed in a hotel in Tokyo as well. Tora didn’t even want to think about funeral plans, but Mr. and Mrs. Ogata insisted he take part. They claimed Tora knew their son better than they did these days and wanted his input on what Hiroto would’ve wanted. It was hard to tell though. It wasn’t like they’d ever discussed the matter. The only thing Tora could think to ask for was that Hiroto be buried in Tokyo rather than his birth town. Naturally, it was a hard decision but in the end they agreed. Tokyo was where Hiroto had made his life. It was where he had his friends and it was where he’d found his lover. 

Hiroto was to be buried in Tokyo, where Tora could visit his grave whenever he wanted. At least that was a relief to Tora. 

The days went by fast. The day of the funeral arrived and Tora found himself being shipped off to church. He wasn’t aware of the suit he was wearing. Shou had picked it out for him. Saga had taken care of the necessary paperwork and Mr. and Mrs. Ogata had organised the wake and the reception. The only thing Tora was actually aware of having done was complete the guest list Shou had put together. That was one thing he knew Hiroto would’ve wanted; to have all his friends there at the last event to his honour. 

Once at the wake, however, he didn’t say much. Same at the church. They’d asked him to say something, hold a speech or something similar. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. There were no words to describe what he felt. No way to sum up what he and Hiroto had had together. Hiroto had changed his life. The very first time he met Hiroto he knew he wanted him but he never could’ve imagined what he would find – how hard he would fall. 

What he did agree to do was play the guitar. It hurt sitting there in front of Hiroto’s friends and family all alone, but guitar was something he and Hiroto had shared; something they’d enjoyed together and so it seemed fit that someone should play guitar at Hiroto’s funeral. It hurt. It hurt more than he could ever tell to do it. And still, it was easier than trying to talk. 

He used Hiroto’s acoustic and played one of his own compositions. It was nothing grand of fancy, but it had been one of Hiroto’s favourite songs. Or so he’d claimed. Afterwards, he put the guitar in the stand and walked back to his seat at the front row without a word. There were tears in his eyes but for whatever reason they refused to fall. Tora wasn’t used to crying, especially not in front of people, but he was almost ashamed of the fact that he couldn’t seem to cry at his lover’s funeral. 

It wasn’t until the ceremony was over and he found himself standing alone by the still open grave that Tora even managed to speak. He’d been sitting in church, silent, and stood by the grave as the casket was lowered into it and people paid their final respects. Now even Hiroto’s parents had taken off, but he lingered. Shou and Saga were waiting in the car, but they’d told him to take his time. 

Tora looked down at the reddish colour of the casket, at the beautiful flower decorations on top of it. He could almost hear Hiroto’s voice as he praised the beauty of it all and for the first time in days a weak smile found its way onto his lips. Along with it came the first tear. It wasn’t like it’d been at the hospital. This time his tears were still and silent, trickling down his cheeks slowly as he watched the wood that separated him from his lover. 

“I miss you,” he whispered and sat down on his haunches by the edge of the gaping hole. “I miss you so much…” 

He didn’t really know why he was talking to a dead person. Tora was not religious and he’d never really believed in a life after this. But now he hoped he was wrong. He wanted there to be a place where he could one day see Hiroto again. And if there was then maybe, just maybe, Hiroto could hear him if he spoke to him now. 

“Everything is so quiet without you here. It doesn’t matter that Shou and Saga haven’t left me alone since you… Since that day. It’s not their voices I want to hear.” 

Tora kept his hands busy by toying with a small square box. It gave him something to do, something to focus on when his mind was spinning out of control. 

“I keep thinking of the morning before you went out,” he confessed and a flood of fresh tears spilled down his cheeks. “It’s just so unreal… You woke me up all cold and wet, we fucked in the shower, ate breakfast and next thing you’re…gone.” 

He dried his nose on the sleeve of his dress jacket. What did he care if it was designer or whatnot? He smiled, as close to his characteristic grin as he could get. “I’d give anything to have your cold wet body in my bed again.” 

Finally he looked down at the box in his hand. He didn’t know what had compelled him to bring it to the funeral but he was glad that he did. No one knew he had it, not even Hiroto had known.

“It would’ve been our third anniversary next week,” he mumbled and the smile fell from his lips again. Carefully he opened the box to reveal a simple gold ring. Tora’s voice broke slightly as he continued speaking. “I was going to ask you to marry me. I know we could never actually do it, but… I wanted you to know that you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.” 

For a second it got hard to breathe again and a few sobs echoed over the empty graveyard. Tora slowly stood up from his squatted position. His eyes darted back and forth between the ring and the casket. Without thinking twice about it he took the ring from the box and carefully tossed it down on top of the dark wood. Closing the box he put it back in his pocket. 

“You still are that man, Pon. I love you.” It was the first time he’d said those words since Hiroto had…died. “I bought that ring for you. I never want to give it to someone else. I love you.” 

With a final glance at the casket containing his lover, his heart, Tora turned around and walked back to the waiting car. Every step he took made his chest hurt further. It was as if he was tearing a bigger and bigger hole in it the more distance he put between himself and Hiroto. Tora wasn’t sure the wound would ever fully heal. Or even if he wanted it to.


	6. 06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t sleep in our bed. I can’t step into the shower. I can’t eat, I can’t face people, I can’t do anything because everything reminds me of _him_.”

Two weeks had passed since Hiroto’s funeral and Tora had gone back home to his own apartment. Saga set the breakfast table for two and sighed. He worried about both of them – Tora and Shou. Hiroto’s death had been a shock to him as well, but Saga knew the other two were worse off. Shou had known Hiroto since childhood, had supported the younger as he came out as gay, and shared a deep friendship with him. And Tora… Saga couldn’t even imagine what Tora was going through. The thought of losing Shou in a way similar to how Tora had lost Hiroto was a nightmare, but Saga knew it didn’t compare to what Tora was going through. 

He didn’t pour the coffee just yet. Instead, he went back to the bathroom and found Shou staring at himself in the mirror. The only thing that gave the other man away were his eyes. Shou’s eyes were always sparkling with joy and laughter, but now they were just…dull. Dull with grief.

“Come on, baby,” Saga beckoned. “Breakfast is ready.” 

Shou smiled weakly. “Thank you.” 

They returned to the kitchen and Shou took a seat while Saga finally poured the coffee. There wasn’t much difference between this morning and the mornings a few weeks back. Life went on. They ate, they slept, they went to work, and they got home. Saga had only taken two days off after the surprising death whereas Shou had waited till the funeral was over before returning to his own job. Luckily, his boss had not protested the request of a short leave. 

But their lives had gone back to normal. Or as normal as it could be at the moment. 

“I figured I should drop by Tora’s place after work,” Shou said after a short silence. “He’s not doing well…” 

“No,” Saga agreed. “Hiroto really was everything to him.” 

Shou nodded and quickly dried a tear from the corner of his eye before it could fall and smear his makeup. At first he’d been crying hysterically nonstop, always one to show his emotions openly. But eventually he’d realised that he had to move on – that Hiroto would’ve wanted him to move on. 

“I still can’t believe he’s gone.” At least it was easier to talk about it now. “I keep thinking that he’s going to show up any minute.” 

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I only knew him for a few years and I really miss him, I can only imagine what it’s like for you and Tora.” 

“Worse for Tora than for me, no doubt.” Shou didn’t hesitate to utter those words. “I still have you to come home to; to seek comfort and support in. Tora has….nothing.” 

They finished breakfast in silence. It was nice just to hear the other’s coffee cup clanking against the table or the ruffle of his clothes as he reached for another piece of bread. Such ordinary things. Things you took for granted. Things, they both realised, Tora no longer had. 

“Did you know his parents called the day after the funeral?” Saga asked as they were cleaning the table.

“Tora’s?!” Shou’s already large eyes grew positively huge and there was a clear strike of worry in them as he looked at his boyfriend. “What did they want?” 

Tora had told Saga the story about his parents himself. Of how they refused to accept that he was gay and for a long time tried to convince him to take therapy and see doctors about it. To them, homosexuality was a disease and they desperately wanted their son to search for a cure. When he got his first real boyfriend in college they had more or less cut him off entirely. Shou did not like the sound of them having called Tora that close to the funeral. 

“Yeah, Tora was absolutely livid about the call too,” Saga went on. “Apparently his mother called to ask if he was willing to quit the nonsense and get help now.” 

Shou’s knees gave out underneath him and it was by pure luck alone he landed on one of the kitchen stools. What must Tora have felt in that moment? He’d just buried his lover, the man Shou was certain Tora had hoped to spend the rest of his life with, and his own mother asked him such a thing. It was unbelievable. In fact, Shou doubted he would’ve believed the statement if he hadn’t been unfortunate enough to meet Tora’s parents at one point. Needless to say their homophobia clashed rather violently with his own flamboyant nature. 

“I swear to god I’ll slap that woman senseless if I ever see her again,” Shou mumbled and slowly stood up again. “And I’ll definitely go see Tora after work today – see how he’s doing.”

“You should,” Saga nodded and headed for the hallway. “Give him my best, okay?” 

“Of course,” Shou promised. 

They got dressed and walked together to the subway station. Once there they had to take different trains however. Shou threw his arms around Saga’s neck and hugged the shorter man hard. 

“Be careful today, please?” he said. Ever since Hiroto’s death he’d been terrified the same thing would happen to Saga. 

“I will. I promise.” It was the constant reply from Saga. “You look after yourself too.” 

They both knew that Shou was at more risk than Saga. Shou was the obvious one but Saga was proud of him for not having changed the fact even in the face of what had happened. They kissed in the open, not caring if people saw, and then began elbowing their way to their separate trains. Shou turned around just as the doors to Saga’s train were closing and waved. Saga saw him and waved back. With a slight smile that actually reached his eyes, Shou turned around and entered his own train. 

\- - -

Tora had thought the first days after Hiroto’s death would be the worst. They had been awful, no question. Every morning when he woke up there was a brief, brief moment when he didn’t remember what had happened and expected to find the other next to him in bed. Then reality hit. He realized he was lying on a couch, not in a bed, and all he could see was Hiroto’s mangled face where he’d lain on the hospital bed. It didn’t matter how many times it happened, each morning was equally painful. 

Shou and Saga had been a great support. They really had been. But eventually Tora knew he couldn’t intrude on them anymore. They had their own grieving to do and they kept it back for his sake. He thanked them for their kindness and moved back to his and Hiroto’s apartment. Only it wasn’t his and Hiroto’s anymore. It was only his. 

And things only got worse from there on. 

Everything in there reminded him of his lover. The small frame that truly had been his everything. Hiroto’s photos decorated the walls, his CDs and DVDs littered the place, his clothes were still strewn carelessly over the apartment. But the worst thing was that everything in there smelled like him. The entire apartment smelled like Hiroto. It had been Tora’s favourite scent ever since he first filled his nostrils with it, but now it had turned into a curse. 

He didn’t dare sleep in the bed for fear of overpowering that scent with his own. Not to mention that bed reminded him of way too many happy times that would never come again. The first time Tora realised he’d never wake up next to Hiroto again was the last time he tried to sleep in there. All he could think of was how the younger man had jumped him that morning. How Hiroto had straddled him with his cold wet thighs and ensured him he had time for some fun before leaving. It had been such a perfect morning…

Tora shook his head to try and get rid of the images –futile attempts, but he needed to try– and emptied the drink in his hand. Whiskey. The bottle was on the table before him and judging by the remaining content Tora was quite drunk. He knew he drank too much, but it was the only way to relieve the pain. He drank to dull his mind and smoked continuously to keep himself occupied. But only ever out on the balcony, which was where he spent most of his time. Cigarette smoke clung to walls and fabrics and removed any previous smells, something he could not have happening to the apartment. The smell was the only thing he had left of Hiroto and as much as he hated it he still needed it.

What he also needed was a shower. Another thing he couldn’t bring himself to do, step into the shower. That was where he’d touched Hiroto –held him and loved him– hours before he died. The few times he’d forced himself to actually step under the spray because the stench surrounding him got too bad he’d ended up spending hours curled in on himself on the floor and crying till the water ran cold. 

The doorbell sounded throughout the apartment again. Someone had been at the door for about fifteen minutes but Tora ignored them. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone today. Besides, he was fairly certain it was Shou or Saga at the door and they had a key to let themselves in if necessary. Another one of Hiroto’s suggested precautions; let someone they trusted hold a key to their apartment if anything ever happened to the two of them. Why was it that everything, absolutely everything, reminded him of Hiroto? 

He knocked back another glass of whiskey as a key sounded in the door. For a second his heart fluttered, hoping against hope that it was Hiroto returning home. Tora hated his body and mind for its inability to accept that the younger was gone –dead– because it was he who had to deal with the pain each and every time.

“Tora?” Shou’s voice. “Tora! Are you home, Tora?” 

Tora knew he should answer the call and that it would be the polite things to do and whatnot, but he couldn’t be bothered. He figured Shou would find him sooner or later. Probably sooner, if he knew Shou right, the man would not stop looking until he’d found him. And it wouldn’t be very hard to find him once you went searching through the apartment. 

True enough, minutes later the balcony door opened and the chair next to Tora’s –Hiroto’s chair– was pulled out to allow Shou to sit down. It didn’t upset him. He wasn’t petty enough to be upset by such a thing. It was just that he didn’t want company. Not unless the company was raised from the dead. 

“Did you drink all that today?” Shou asked and gestured for the liquor bottle. 

“Since noon,” he replied and reached for it to refill his glass once more. 

Shou grabbed it and moved it out of his range. “I think you’ve had more than enough, Tora.” 

The brunette snorted. He was drunk and he would not deny that fact, but he didn’t see the point in changing that. There was no one waiting for him, nowhere he needed to be. He was on leave from work. His boss had told him to take the time he needed which had surprised Tora quite a bit. Not that he was about to complain. Going back to work was about the last thing he wanted to do right now. He was not fit to take on the responsibility it meant to handle other people’s money right now. Not to mention, the bank was where his and Hiroto’s relationship had really begun. 

“Give me the bottle, Shou.” There was something dark and slightly dangerous to Tora’s voice as he spoke. Commanded. “I need that drink.” 

“What you need,” Shou said and wrinkled his nose. “Is a shower and some clean clothes. Honestly Tora, when was the last time you stepped outside the apartment?” 

He didn’t respond to that and Shou didn’t press. They both knew the older hardly ever stepped outside anymore. He’d go out every now and then to get groceries, most of which were left uneaten, and more alcohol. The latter he drank. In too large amounts. A fact that had already been stated. 

Shou sighed. Somehow it sounded defeated. “You are never going to get over this, are you?” 

“No.” It was an easy question to answer. “I…can’t.” 

“Hiroto would’ve wanted you to move on,” the blonde continued. “He would’ve wanted you to–“

“To what?” Tora snapped. “To find someone else? To go on with my life and love again?” 

Shou looked more than hurt at the words, but Tora ignored them. “Eventually, yes. Right now I was going to say he would’ve wanted you to stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault Tora. You didn’t kill him.” 

“I wasn’t there to protect him either.” 

And that was the problem. Tora hadn’t been there. He’d allowed Hiroto to leave the apartment after a perfect morning and go to his death. Somewhere deep down he knew Shou was right. There was no way he could’ve known what was to happen and therefore nothing he could’ve done, but it didn’t make him feel less guilty. 

“Give me the bottle, Shou.” 

“No,” he immediately answered and slammed his palm onto the outdoor table. “I’m not letting you destroy your life as well!” 

The flamboyant man was close to crying as he challenged Tora’s ability to glare. He took the bottle and didn’t hesitate to smash it against the concrete floor. He got that Tora was hurting. That he wanted to just disappear and forget that Hiroto was gone. In all honesty, Shou wanted to do the same most days. But he kept going and he was not about to lose another friend. 

“Stop blaming yourself, please!” He wiped the tears from his face as they began to fall despite his attempts to keep them back. “I understand that you’re hurting. I won’t pretend to know what it’s like, but I can see and understand that it’s bad. But please Tora, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

Tora stared at the remnants of his bottle. He wanted to be upset over it, wanted to yell and scream at Shou for having crushed the only comfort he had left. But the way Shou opened up, the way he laid bare his raw emotions like that, got to him. Perhaps it was the fact that the blonde didn’t claim to know what he was going through that played the difference. He honestly didn’t know. 

“I don’t know what to do, Shou.” Since he couldn’t have another drink he lit up another cigarette, ignoring the way his hands were shaking. “I can’t sleep in our bed. I can’t step into the shower. I can’t eat. I can’t face people. I can’t do anything because everything reminds me of _him_.” 

In the years they’d known each other Shou had never heard Tora sound so small. The older had always been so strong, so confident in everything even when things went against him. Now he just sounded lost. Completely and utterly lost. 

The blonde moved his chair around the table and placed an arm around the other’s shoulders. “You don’t have to fight alone, Tora. I know that Saga and I can never replace Hiroto. We would never try to do that, but I want you to know that you are not alone.” 

He was crying once he said it, but it was a soft kind of crying. Tora nodded slowly at the words. He heard them, it was just hard to believe them. Saga and Shou would always be there for him physically, but in a way he was still alone. He would remain alone until he found someone to replace Hiroto and right now he was fairly certain that would never happen. 

“Will you go take a shower if I promise to stay here the entire time?” Shou asked a while later. 

Tora hesitated for a while. That shower still scared him, but eventually he agreed. It’d been too long since he had a shower and he knew he smelled. In many ways he was surprised Shou agreed to touch him at all. Once he slowly nodded his head it all happened so fast. The blonde dragged him inside the apartment and inside the bathroom. He remained seated on the toilet as Tora shakily removed his stinky clothes and stepped under the spray of water. 

All he could see was Hiroto’s flushed face as he pushed him up against the wall. He heard the needy moans echoing against the tiles over the sound of the shower and he wanted to crumble all over again. But Shou reached out to him, verbally speaking, and more or less talked him through taking a simple shower. It gave Tora something to focus on other than the memories and for once he managed to wash his hair and body and get out of the shower without it taking half a day. 

“Now,” Shou said as they’d found Tora some clothes in the bedroom. “We are going out to do some shopping and finding something to eat.” 

“I’m not su–“ Tora began but was interrupted. 

“It wasn’t a suggestion Tora. By the looks of it you’ve barely eaten since….that day and I know for a fact that you have hardly stepped outside the apartment. You need to get out, so I’m bringing you out.” 

Tora wanted to protest, wanted to stay inside where things smelled like Hiroto and he could just forget about the world, but Shou had made up his mind and he didn’t have the energy to fight the flamboyant man. He knew, all too well, that Shou was only trying to help him move on. Perhaps the blonde needed it even more than Tora himself did. So he complied. He got dressed and he headed out, had dinner and bought groceries. Not because he wanted to, but because Shou needed him to be okay. 

Maybe, just maybe, he could be okay for the sake of someone else. 

\- - -

Tora crushed the cigarette against the gravel. The graveyard lay empty as far as he could see but he didn’t mind. If anything, he was glad to be alone. This would be the first time he actually visited the grave since Hiroto was buried. He knew it would be tough. For all he knew, he might cry again and if that happened he didn’t want anyone around to see. 

The grave looked good. Unlike him, Shou and Saga had visited it regularly, tending to it and putting flowers on it and so. Tora was grateful for it. He decided upon seeing it that from now on he would make sure to come see his deceased lover. It just felt like the right thing to do. 

“Hey Pon.” He sat down on his haunches in front of the grave. “Sorry I haven’t come by earlier, I was a bit…lost for a while.” 

To be honest Tora was still lost. Since Shou forced him to clean up and go out he’d tried to hold a somewhat normal daily routine. But it was hard when the most important part of his life was missing. He hated waking up alone, eating alone, and going to bed alone. Loneliness had never bothered him before. In fact, Tora had always been something of a lone wolf, but the past three years had changed him. Hiroto had changed him. 

“I’m thinking of going back to work,” he admitted to the silent gravestone. “It’s been over a month and I fear they won’t want me back unless I return soon. But it feels weird. Everything feels weird without you.”

Talking to a dead person buried beneath a gravestone felt weird, but he was not about to think too hard on that one. Tora knew he needed something to hold on to and even in death Hiroto was that thing. He’d never realised just how much of his life had become focused around his lover, perhaps more than what was healthy. Not that he was about to complain. He wouldn’t change any of it if he had the chance. 

“I don’t even know why I’m talking to you right now.” He smirked slightly and shook his head. “You and I both know I never believed in an afterlife, but…” 

Sighing Tora put down the flowers he’d brought. In a way it seemed silly. He’d hardly ever bought Hiroto flowers while he was alive. But it was what you did, right? You brought flowers and candles to a grave to prove that you cared about the person still. And Tora cared. He would always care. 

“I’ll come back soon, Pon. I promise.” He stood back up and lit another cigarette. “There’s one more place I need to visit.” 

He didn’t look forward to it, not at all, but it had to be done or Tora doubted he would ever be able to move on. Ghosting his fingers over the cold stone, as close to touching Hiroto as he would ever get again, he turned his back on the grave and walked out of the graveyard. It didn’t hurt as bad this time. Perhaps he’d just gotten used to the dull ache that constantly resided inside his chest. 

Tora walked to the subway and took the train back home. But instead of getting off at his normal stop, he continued on a few stations more. When he got off he was almost physically sick. He didn’t want to do this, he really didn’t, but he knew he had to. 

It was an alley like any other. Narrow, dirty, a dead end littered with the garbage of the city. The only reason Tora knew where it was, was because he’d asked the cops working Hiroto’s case. This was the place where Hiroto had been abused. Tora couldn’t help but to wonder what his lover had felt here, all alone as someone… He couldn’t bring himself to finish that thought. 

Tora hesitantly stepped into the alley. Just being here made the ache in his chest worse. Someone had placed a picture of Hiroto amongst the shadows he saw. It was tattered by weather and wind by now, but the younger’s bright smile stile radiated off the photo. Tora briefly wondered who had been dedicated enough to do it. It wasn’t him, Shou, or Saga, so most likely it was one of Hiroto’s many friends. Some of them were rather…radical in their own ways. 

Withered flowers and hand drawn cards were scattered around the memorial place and it tore at Tora’s heart. Hiroto had been such a popular guy. It only took minutes upon meeting him to really like him and with how social he was…had been, it wasn’t hard to understand why he’d had such a bit social network. 

He didn’t try to talk to Hiroto at this place. If there really was an afterlife, which he doubted and hoped at the same time, then this was not where Hiroto would linger. Tora refused to think so. It would simply be too cruel. He just wanted to see the place. See the spot where he, in his heart, had failed Hiroto. His lover had not gone into this alley on his own, Tora was sure of it, and if he’d been there he would’ve done anything to prevent it. He would’ve fought to the death before allowing anyone to hurt his lover. 

A stray tear threatened to spill from his eye but he wiped it away. There was no point in crying anymore. It didn’t even ease the ache in his chest of the guilt in his heart. Hiroto was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. They didn’t even know who had done it. Perhaps that was what hurt the most about the investigation, that nearly six weeks later the police still knew nothing about why Hiroto had been attacked or who had done it. 

Tora finished his cigarette and flicked it out towards the street. He would not add to the filth littering the place. With a final glance at the soiled photo, and a final stab of pain to his heart, Tora turned his back on the alley and walked back home. 

\- - -

Work was a distraction at best. Tora had called his boss the day after his visit to Hiroto’s grave and asked to come back. He was more than welcome, the upside of being good at what you did. The first day he’d been worried about comments from Aoki and his like. Hiroto’s abuse had been smeared all over the news; _'Successful photographer killed'_ , _'Beaten to death – a hate crime?'_ , _'Young photographer attacked and killed'_. The papers were still spread out on his work desk back home. Tora hated them but could not bring himself to throw them away at the same time. 

To his surprise, no one had said a thing about it. A few pats on the shoulder, some words of sympathy, otherwise nothing. Most people seemed to avoid him altogether and he was fine by that. He’d never socialised much at work to begin with and was not out to change that behaviour now. What Tora wanted more than anything was to be left alone. 

The only people he met were Shou and Saga and then only because the two showed up at his doorstep every so often. They’d drag him out for dinner, forcefully invite themselves in, or demand he came over to their place. Tora put up with it since he knew they meant well. But every time Shou smiled at his lover or Saga brushed a hand over Shou’s back in passing Tora saw what he was missing. He was not a very affectionate person in and of himself, but Hiroto had been and he had brought it out in the elder. Fleeting touches, little pecks, a quick hug – he missed it more than he cared to admit. 

Even now, at work, he missed the other’s presence. He kept checking his phone to see if someone, Hiroto, had sent him a text and out of habit he looked around when stepping out of the bank at lunch. There was no one beaming happily at him anymore, only strangers averting their gaze from his grieving eyes. On a crowded street he managed to feel alone because no one was waiting for _him_ specifically. 

There were times when he contemplated moving. Out of the apartment he still considered _theirs_ , out of the city, away from it all. But then he would visit the grave, or the alley, and he would realise that this was where he belonged. Here, where Hiroto’s spirit still lingered in the places he had loved and his smell could yet be found in the couch cushions. Where he could meet Hiroto’s friends and share a memory or two and where his own friends gave as much comfort as they could. 

He kept his promise too. Several times a week, Tora would go back to the grave and just sit there. Sometimes he spoke to Hiroto, other times he just smoked a few cigarettes and made sure the candles were lit. Perhaps it was masochistic behaviour, but he found comfort in knowing what was left of his lover was as close as it could be. 

More rarely he went back to the alley as well. He didn’t even know why himself. He just…wanted to see it. Torment himself with images and visions of what Hiroto must’ve felt and thought. Had he blamed Tora the way Tora blamed himself? No, Tora knew he hadn’t. If anything Hiroto would’ve–

“It’s you, isn’t it?” 

Tora spun around at the unknown voice. There was a man standing in the opening of the alleyway. He was tall for a Japanese man, though not as tall as Tora, with muscles flexing in his exposed arms. Tora estimated he was around Hiroto’s age, probably a year or two younger. An overgrown street kid. A punk with more attitude than what was good for him. 

“Do I know you?” he asked and finished lighting his cigarette. 

“What was it he said?” the kid mused seemingly to himself. “Tora, was that it?” 

Tora tensed and shifted his footing. There was an evil glare in the kid’s eyes and his smirk was mocking in a way the older could not pinpoint. He didn’t like him. Everything about this guy spoke of bad intentions. 

“What do you want kid?” he asked. “Run back to whatever hole you came from.” 

The young man chuckled and boldly brushed past Tora on his way into the alley. He walked over to the picture of Hiroto, now fallen down onto the ground and trampled upon by unknown feet, and gazed down at it in disgust. Something itched inside Tora at the sight but he tried to ignore it by taking deep drags on his cigarette. He should get out of here, he knew he should. But somehow it felt wrong to leave this man alone at this place. It was illogical and unexplainable, still Tora stayed. He’d learnt to trust his gut a long time ago. 

“’Tora’ he cried,” the kid said mockingly. “Well whispered at least, wasn’t much strength left in him to cry out by then.” 

The itch got stronger and identified itself as realisation. A realisation Tora had sought and didn’t want all at once. This kid... was he the one? Had he....? 

“You should’ve seen him!” Turning around the punk was actually laughing Tora in the face. “He looked so pathetic! All crawled in on himself, crying and whimpering like the little fag he was. Didn’t even try to fight back. It was amusing really. All he did was lay there whispering nonsense about home and ‘Tora’ and–“ 

Something inside Tora snapped. That dangerous tinge he’d carried around all his life, suppressed all his life, broke lose and overtook his entire being. The cigarette fell from his lips and didn’t even hit the ground before Tora’s fist connected to the street kid’s mouth. He cried out but Tora didn’t hear it. He didn’t hear or see anything beyond the blinding rage surging through his veins. That and the fact that something akin to fear ghosted over the kid’s face as he was tackled to the ground. It made Tora smirk and his eyes flare with malice. 

Revenge. 

He didn’t stop until uniform clad arms pulled him back. It wasn’t until three police men forced him to the ground and cuffed his hands behind his back that the fury drained away enough for Tora to see and realise what he’d done. The kid was a bloody pulp of the ground, face beaten beyond recognition and eyes staring openly at the dirty brick wall. He felt a sense of calm he’d lacked for weeks come over him and didn’t try to resist the officers. 

One of them bent down over the body, checked for a pulse and shook his head. 

“He’s gone.” 

Tora breathed a sigh of relief as he was lead over to the police car and willingly stepped inside it.


	7. 07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t say another word Tora,” he demanded and looked at the officer. “My client will not be answering any more questions at the moment.”

Saga burst into the police station and immediately asked for Tora. Or rather, his client, Amano Shinji. A few routine questions later, he was shown into a room where a menacing looking officer sat with Tora. The brunette looked calm in a way Saga hadn’t seen him since before Hiroto’s death. 

“Don’t say another word, Tora,” he demanded and looked at the officer. “My client will not be answering any more questions at the moment.” 

“And you are?” the officer snarled. 

“Sakamoto Takashi,” Saga replied in a professional voice. “I’m Mr. Amano’s attorney and I would like a moment with my client, please.” 

“Mr. Amano,” the officer turned back to Tora. “I urge you to–“ 

“My client will _not_ answer any more questions,” Saga repeated with emphasis. “Please sir.” 

The officer threw Saga a long dark look but got up from his seat and walked out of the room. Saga knew they wouldn’t have long until someone somewhere wanted the hearing to continue or Tora to be transferred someplace else. Before that happened, he needed answers—needed to understand what the hell had happened. 

Taking a seat, he looked at the other dark haired man. Tora wasn’t even fidgeting for a cigarette, something he normally always did when stuck somewhere and forced to wait. It worried Saga more than he cared to admit. 

“What are you doing here Saga?” Tora finally asked. 

“I was hoping to help you,” the lawyer replied. “If you’d let me.” 

Tora shrugged. “How did you even know I was here?” 

Saga sighed heavily. “Pure chance,” he admitted. 

He’d been working late at the office, a thing Shou would’ve normally killed him for, but now Saga was confident he’d let it slide. There had been calls made and somewhere along the line he overheard the name Amano Shinji and started asking questions. Less than an hour later, he was here in an interrogation room with one of his closest friends likely to be charged with murder. 

“What happened, Tora?” he asked. “How the fuck did you end up here?” 

“It was Hiroto’s killer,” Tora stated calmly. Something flared briefly in his eyes as he looked up and met Saga’s gaze. “I killed him, I killed the son of a bitch who killed Hiroto.” 

That flicker of _something_ worried Saga. “How do you know it was Hiroto’s killer?” 

“He bragged about it. The fucker laughed me right in the face and told me how…” Tora swallowed deeply. “He told me how he’d beaten Pon. How Pon was lying defencelessly on the ground crying out for me…” 

Saga reached out a hand and placed it on Tora’s arm in sympathy. He had no words of comfort to give so he let his mind spin in professional swirls instead. If the story Tora just told him could be proven it would greatly aid their case. Provocation, loss and grief playing in, a moment’s lack of judgment with unfortunate and horrific consequences. 

“Tell me about the…abuse,” he pressed. “Your abuse of this man, Ito Taiki.” 

“I can’t,” Tora immediately replied. 

Saga sighed again. “Tora, you have to tell me or I can’t help you. Please. I beg you!” 

Tora felt bad for causing Saga stress like this. He knew his friend could not save him, but he also knew the lawyer would not go down without a fight. If anyone could get him off easy it was Saga because Saga cared. Where it was normally a flaw in attorneys, or so he’d heard, Tora was confident it would be a great advantage this time. Who other than a friend would care about a homosexual banker beating a street punk to death? 

“I mean it, Saga,” he clarified. “I can’t tell you about it. I don’t remember it.” 

The lawyer furrowed his brows and almost cocked his head to the side. Apparently his boyfriend was rubbing off on him. “Explain that part to me,” he begged. 

“The punk was going on about how Hiroto had laid on the ground calling out for me and something inside me just snapped,” Tora tried to explain. Saga could imagine just what that something was. It was the same something he saw in Tora’s eyes every now and then as he spoke. “I barely remember throwing the first punch, after that everything is just a haze.” 

The tall, dark man sighed heavily for the first time and pulled his hands over his face, through his hair. “I don’t even know for how long it all went on. The police could’ve pulled me back two minutes after I first punched the kid as well as two hours. I just don’t know, Saga.” 

Saga nodded his head slowly, not sure if the information was good or bad. What he needed to focus on was the story of Ito Taiki having bragged about killing Hiroto. That would be mitigating circumstances. He would make it so. Tora would go down for this and there was nothing Saga could do about it, but he could make sure to get his friend off as easy as possible. It was the least he could do for him after everything Tora had gone through. 

“I will go over the police report once it’s done,” he promised and sought Tora’s eyes. “And I will look into what Ito said about Hiroto. You’re a smart man Tora. You know I can’t fix this. But I promise you I will do everything in my power to make the jury see your side of the story as well.” 

Tora just nodded his head and Saga sighed inwardly. His friend seemed calmer than he’d been in the past weeks, but also more indifferent. Life was fucking Tora over and he didn’t even seem to care anymore. Saga asked himself if he would act differently if someone took Shou from him. Would he be able to kill the man who killed his lover? Probably not, but he lacked Tora’s inner darkness. 

A knock on the door informed them that time was up. 

“I’ll look into everything and come see you first thing tomorrow, okay, Tora?” he said and stood up from his seat. Tora nodded his head. “In the meantime, don’t talk to anyone. I don’t need the prosecutor to get wind under his wings already.” 

The other nodded his head again as two officers entered the interrogation room. They dragged Tora up from his seat, or urged him to stand up and he complied rather – anything else would’ve been impossible with the height difference. Saga exchanged a few words with one of them, making sure nothing of the conversation had been recorded after he entered the room, and said his goodbye to Tora. 

“Saga.” He turned around in the door and looked back at Tora. “Tell Shou I’m sorry.” 

The lawyer hid his inner turmoil well. “I will.” 

\- - -

Since the two of them got together, Shou’s wardrobe had suggested that Saga was very good at his job. During the trial Tora got to see first hand just how good. Saga had had Ito’s DNA tested against DNA found underneath Hiroto’s fingernails. They were a match. Therefore, he argued, Ito’s confession of having killed Hiroto could be considered mitigating circumstances since it provoked Tora. Without the confession, Saga claimed, Tora would not have gone into such a berserk rage that he killed Ito Taiki. The attack was an isolated event. There was nothing in Tora’s background indicating violent behaviour.

Still, Saga could not change the fact that Ito Taiki was dead and that Tora _had_ killed him. The prosecutor asked for the death penalty, claiming the crime was particularly vicious in its execution. There was no point or purpose for Tora to go as far as killing Mr. Ito just to get back at him for his lover’s death. A life could never pay for a life. 

It was a fair argument indeed and might’ve sent Tora to death row if not for Saga. The lawyer had his friend tell the jury of Hiroto, how important the other man had been to him and what it had meant to lose him when he did. That was the only time Tora’s feelings shone through during the trial. His pain and grief filled the room in such a way that everyone could see –and practically feel– it. Saga was convinced that that story, much more than his own concluding speech, tilted the case to their advantage. A small tilt, but one more important than anything else. 

Tora was convicted to life in prison, not death row, and Saga would do everything in his power to get his friend out on parole when the time was right. As long as Tora kept a low profile and behaved well, Saga was convinced there was a good chance of he being a free man again one day. 

The question was if Tora wanted to be a free man again.

\- - -

“Amano!” 

Tora looked up from the book he was reading. Tora couldn’t make sense of prison. In a way it was almost nice; someone was always telling him what to do and where to go, efficiently making it so he didn’t need to think for himself. But Tora lived up to his nickname and a tiger does not do well in a cage. 

He couldn’t even tell what he was feeling inside. Grief, pain, and loss mixed up with anger, restlessness, and indifference. While he _did_ like not having to think, he also hated not being able to do as he wished. And what he really wanted to do was go visit Hiroto’s grave and inhale the scent of his lover that was engraved into every inch of their apartment. He didn’t regret what he’d done, but he regretted what he was no longer able to do because of it. 

“Yes, sir?” 

Saga had instructed him to keep a low profile and not cause any trouble in prison. Tora had stuck to that strategy. He kept to himself, not much of an effort when being him, and he didn’t feel like socialising with anyone. The guards liked him. He was a polite and calm, did as he was told and never caused a ruckus of any kind. He got up in the morning, ate his meals, went where he was told to go, and stayed calm during his weekly visits from his friends. 

“You have a visitor,” the guard informed him. “A woman.” 

He looked about as confused as Tora felt. There had been media coverage of his trial. Not much, but some persistent journalists determined to milk the last drops from the story of Hiroto’s death. Consequently Tora’s sexuality was no secret within these walls either. Not that he cared. He could defend himself should it be needed. If anything, his sentence proved that. 

“Did she give her name?” he asked as the guard went through the various procedures needed for Tora to leave his cell. 

“Yeah, Ogata or something like that.” Tora eyes widened noticeably. “Wasn’t that the name of your…you know?” 

Tora merely nodded his head wordlessly. A woman named Ogata coming to visit him. It had to be a relative of Hiroto’s. Most likely his mother, Tora thought, but he hadn’t seen her since the funeral. The Ogatas had chosen to not be present at Tora’s trial and he hadn’t blamed them. In fact, he hadn’t noticed their absence until later on when Shou pointed it out. 

“Ready Amano?” the guard asked. “You know the drill.” 

Together they walked down to the visitation area and the guard showed him to a booth. True enough, there was Mrs. Ogata smiling faintly at him. She’d aged noticeably since the death of her son and the glow in her eyes was all but gone. The latter pained Tora more than he wanted to admit. Hiroto had gotten his eyes from his mother and seeing hers so dull was like seeing Hiroto’s void of emotions. It didn’t fit, not at all. 

“Mrs. Ogata,” he said as he took a seat and looked at her through the pane of glass separating them. He didn’t know what else to say. What did you say in situations like this anyway? 

“Tora,” she countered simply. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you earlier.” 

He shook his head slightly, trying to wordlessly make her see that it was alright. “I understand.” 

“How are you doing?” She sounded genuinely concerned and it was simultaneously heart-warming and disturbing. She sounded too much like her son for Tora’s wellbeing. 

“Not bad,” he replied after a moment. “But it’s prison. I guess it’s not supposed to be nice.” 

The corner of his mouth curved in the tiniest version of a smirk. Mrs. Ogata saw it and replied it, equally weak but appreciating the effort. The two of them had only met a few times over the years, but just then she could read Tora almost as well as her son had been able to. 

“I read about the sentence in the paper,” Mrs. Ogata continued after a short but oddly comfortable silence. “And I spoke to Shou about it. It’s so unfair…” 

Tora shrugged in a disturbingly indifferent manner that didn’t go unnoticed by his visitor. “I killed a man.” 

Too late did he realise his words might cause Hiroto’s mother pain. She didn’t complain, though, and as he looked up at her he found her eyes burning with something far too dark to suit her. It would’ve been scary had she not been so petite in stature but left no doubt as to her inner strength. 

“You didn’t kill a man Tora,” she stated calmly. “You killed a monster and a murderer. As far as I’m concerned you did society a favour!” 

The words were practically spat out and when she realised them Mrs. Ogata blushed profoundly. Tora felt the gap in his chest shift painfully. He missed him. God, he missed him. They were so alike, Hiroto and his mother, and Tora couldn’t decide if this visit was a blessing or a curse. He didn’t want to hurt, but he refused to forget either. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Mrs. Ogata said and rubbed her burning cheeks. “I know I shouldn’t be saying such things.” 

“You’re like him,” Tora whispered. He could feel tears burn behind his eyes but they hadn’t fallen in weeks now and he doubted they would today. “It’s quite alright.” 

Mrs. Ogata’s shoulders slumped slightly at his words. For a second Tora feared he’d hurt her with his intended compliment, but then he saw the tearful smile on her lips. There was life in her eyes yet again. Sadness, yes, but also life and sparkles that didn’t only come from tears and pain. 

“People used to say that all the time,” she admitted. “They said he was undoubtedly my son.” 

She dabbed at her eyes slightly and sniffed to force the tears back. If Tora had thought about a visit from Hiroto’s mother he would’ve imagined it to be awkward, filled with silences and lack of words. There were silences between them but it didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable in the slightest. They sat there for a while, relishing their individual memories of Hiroto and just enjoying not having to think about the departed man alone. 

“I know I shouldn’t say this,” Mrs. Ogata went on after some minutes. “It’s unfair to you, since you’re the one sitting here now, but I want to thank you Tora.” 

“Thank me?” he questioned disbelievingly. 

“The police did nothing,” she explained. “They didn’t find out anything about who attacked Hiroto. There were days when I asked myself if they even tried. You found the man–“ 

“It’s more like he found me,” Tora mumbled under his breath. “I never looked for him.”

“But you found out who it was,” she said and smiled apologetically. “And when you did you got back at him.” 

The anger and intensity in her voice was almost scary. There was so much pain and hurt behind those words—a pain Tora understood better than anyone else. But there was also a form of relief he doubted anyone who hadn’t lost a loved one could ever understand. 

“You brought justice to my son Tora,” she continued, voice low and serious. “I can never thank you enough for that. I can never pay you back for the feeling in my chest.” 

It was strange hearing such words. Tora knew he had thrown his life away with what he did. If he was lucky he would get parole one day. He would be at least in his forties by then... possibly fifties. There was also a chance he never got out and that he would spend the remaining of his life in here and die a lonely man who never saw freedom again. But he didn’t regret it because he had nothing left to live for either way. Still, to have someone else thank him for his actions –for taking another life in retribution for his lover’s– left him feeling oddly proud and relieved. 

“There’s no need to thank me,” he mumbled. 

A guard walked up to them and announced that time was up. Mrs. Ogata looked rather sad at the news and Tora found he shared the emotion. Many times he found the regular visits from Shou and Saga as annoying as they were nice. It was just hard to socialise with people these days, but it had been nice and comfortable talking to Hiroto’s mother and he wouldn’t have minded continuing their conversation. 

“It seems I have to go Tora,” she said regretfully. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to come visit you again.” 

He nodded with a slight smile on his face. “I’d like that, but don’t make the trip to Tokyo just for my sake.” 

“I have other businesses in Tokyo as well,” she said with grief flashing before her eyes for a second. “I’ll come back every now and then. Take care of yourself till then.” 

She didn’t need to explain what that business was, Tora understood perfectly well what she was referring to. “You too, Mrs. Ogata. Give my regards to Mr. Ogata. And…would you place some flowers on the grave from me, please?” 

“I will,” she promised. “Goodbye Tora.” 

He watched her leave before the guard came and guided him back to his cell. The book lay where he’d left it but he couldn’t quite focus on it now. Instead he just lay down on his bed and stared at the roof as his thoughts ran rampart with memories. It hurt and was comforting all at once. 

\- - -

Life went on. At first Shou had thought it would be impossible to go back to something resembling everyday life, but in reality it wasn’t all that hard. You took it day by day and before you knew it the days became weeks and the weeks months. Eventually the months became years and you realised that life was back on track. Not back to normal, how could it ever be? The very definition of normal had changed for him. 

Normal still meant waking up next to Saga every morning and going to work Monday through Friday. He’d switched clothing stores. Designer _was_ better, after all, and thereby upgrades his pay check but other than that it was practically the same. 

However, where normal had once meant going for lunch at an outdoor serving with Tora and Hiroto, it now meant visiting a grave and a prison inmate. It was something you couldn’t imagine before it happened. Shou was sure of that. No one pictured their best friend dying, not for real. Yes, he’d asked himself once or twice what it would feel like to unexpectedly lose someone close to him – but he’d never honestly thought it would happen.

He never honestly thought he would be filling out papers and going through security checks to be able to visit his old high school friend. But it was his reality these days. It was normal. Shou took a seat in the visitation area and waited. Soon enough Tora came into view on the other side of the glass and he smiled at the brunette. Prison hadn’t changed him all that much. Tora was a slight bit gloomier than before and he spoke less than he used to, but that was about it. And Shou knew those changes had more to do with what happened before prison than actually being incarcerated.

“Hello,” he said smiling. “Saga couldn’t come along today, he’s working on this new big case and I think I’m going to kill him if he doesn’t cut back on the overtime soon.” 

“It’s no problem,” Tora replied with only a minor smirk pulling at the corner of his lips. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

Shou frowned at the bad joke. Three years later, Tora had more or less accepted the idea of never getting out of prison. It was something both Shou and Saga tried to take out of him, but he was a hard man to motivate these days. Tora had even said he didn’t know what difference it would make to get out, but that time Shou had had one of his worst fits ever and the brunette had promised to keep up his good behaviour to ensure his future release. 

“Anything happened in here lately?” the blonde asked and crossed his legs. He then proceeded to place his hands on top of his knee in such a display of flamboyant gayness Tora had to smile for real. 

“Not really,” he said and actually enjoyed the way Shou’s features lit up at the sight of his own smile. “I’m reading, working, doing what I’m told to do and minding my own business.” 

“That’s good,” Shou said approvingly. Raising the right hand he used it to gesture as he continued speaking. “Keep that up and you wi–”

“You’re wearing a ring.” 

Tora knew it was rude to interrupt his friend like that. But for one thing they’d known each other long enough to not be offended by anything the other did, more or less. Even more so, his eyes had been immediately drawn to the ring adorning Shou’s left ring finger. 

The blonde blushed cutely and lower his own eyes to look at it. “Yes,” he said with a loving smile. “Saga proposed three days ago.” 

“And you didn’t come running here immediately to tell me?” For once Tora found it in himself to attempt a joke. “I’m almost offended.” 

Had the subject not been so utterly cheerful Shou would’ve cried at the display. For a brief moment, the old Tora was back. The Tora he had met in high school and who had fallen in love with Hiroto. The Tora who had disappeared when his lover died. 

“I was a bit nervous about telling you actually,” he admitted and looked back up at his friend. There was still a pink tinge on his cheeks and he looked happier than Tora could remember him every having looked during these visits. 

“Why?” he asked in honest surprise. 

“Well…,” Shou looked slightly troubled. “I found the box… When cleaning up the apartment, you know?” 

Shou and Saga had taken it upon themselves to clean up Tora’s apartment, cancel the phones, electricity and similar things to minimise the rent. The most logic thing would of course be to get rid of it, seeing as Tora didn’t know if he would ever be able to go back to living there. But he had refused to do so. The idea of someone else living in there, someone else putting their own marks on it and filling it up with their own smell… It killed him. He didn’t care if it ruined him, as long as he had even the slightest bit of money left Tora would keep that apartment. 

“Oh…” 

He knew which box Shou was talking about. Perhaps the statement would’ve confused him at a different time, but speaking of rings it was obvious. 

“I never knew you and Hiroto were engaged,” Shou went on carefully. He always hesitated in bringing Hiroto up. Sure it was possible to talk about him these days, but it saddened both him and Tora and so he tried to talk about happier things. 

“We weren’t,” Tora replied and the blond furrowed his brows. “I was going to ask him but…I never got the chance.” 

The tone of voice said everything really. Shou felt his own eyes well up with tears at hearing them. He rarely cried over Hiroto anymore, but right then Tora sounded crushed in a way he hadn’t since the first weeks after the death. 

“But the box was empty,” he said without realising he by that gave away the fact that he’d been snooping. “If you never got to ask him, then where is the ring?” 

“Where it belongs,” Tora answered somewhat cryptically. 

Shou wanted to ask more but he was intuitive enough to sense that Tora wanted the subject dropped. Unfortunately he didn’t know what to say otherwise. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Tora went on and smiled slightly at his friend. “I’m happy for you Shou. At least one of us got a happy ending.” 

“Tora I–”

“Don’t, please. I’m happy for you, both of you.” He attempted a proper smile and managed remarkably well considering the subject. “And Hiroto would be too.” 

That had a stray tear roll down Shou’s cheek but he wiped it away quickly. “I know he would,” he said. “And I’m glad you are too. It’s… He makes me so happy Tora.” 

The older just nodded with a slight smile. Hearing Shou talk like that hurt like he didn’t know what. He _was_ happy for them, wanted Shou to have everything Tora knew he’d secretly dreamt of ever since he first met Saga, but it made the longing in his chest ache anew. Even now, three years later, the hole in his chest had not healed and knowing his best friends had gotten engaged made him miss Hiroto more than he had in years. 

But he would never let Shou know that—would never tarnish the other’s happiness with his own grief. 

“Do you still visit the grave?” he asked to try and smoothly change the subject. 

Whether Shou realised or not didn’t matter. Perhaps he understood and went along with it, or he just figured it was a reasonable question considering Hiroto was on topic. 

“At least once a week,” he confirmed. “I light candles, place flowers and make sure it’s nice and tidy. All the things I knew you’d do if you could.” 

Tora nodded again. “I miss going to the grave,” he confessed with a heavy sigh. “But thank you for doing it for me.” 

“It’s the least I can do,” the blonde said. “For both of you.” 

They went on to talking about other subjects for the half-hour or so that Shou could stay. When visitation hour was over Shou bid his farewell, cursing the fact that he couldn’t hug Tora for the umpteenth time, and promised to be back next with Saga or he would call off the engagement. Tora just chuckled slightly and shook his head. 

Walking back to his cell he felt slightly happier than normal. Not a good thing, ironically enough. Happy moments like this were always followed by darker ones still. He had never fully gotten out of the depression after all. There was a prison psychologist but he didn’t want to talk about it. There was comfort in the familiar grief after all. 

Picking up his book, reading really had become his main distraction in here, he read for a few hours. He went to bed early though and pulled a sweatshirt up to his face. It was one of Hiroto’s, but it didn’t smell like him anymore. Saga had managed to get it in to him, legally mind you, and for a long time it’d been Tora’s only solace. But scents were fragile and over time the smell of his lover slowly faded from the garment. It had been gone for a long time now but he still remembered the first night he’d realised that he couldn’t even imagine Hiroto’s smell lingered in the cloth anymore. 

Pushing the thoughts aside Tora curled up on his side and pressed the sweater to his chest. If he closed his eyes and blocked out all the sensations coming from around –the smells and the sounds– he could almost feel the bed dip next to him. There was the faint sensation of heat radiating off another body and spreading to his own over the sheets. Tora knew it was only an illusion but… 

But with the scent gone, illusions was the only thing he had left.


End file.
